Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)

    The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)

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    15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.

    14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.

    13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?

    12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.

    11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.

    10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”

    9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.

    8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.

    7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.

    6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.

    5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.

    4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!

    3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.

    2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.

    1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • My Boss Is Like a Fine Wine

    My boss is like a fine wine. All I want to do is drive a corkscrew into him but my co-workers keep saying, “Not yet, let’s wait for a special occasion.”

  • Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

    The Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

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    15. Madonna: “Dammit, you’re blocking the mirror!”

    14. Verizon Wireless guy: “Can you feel me now? Good. Can you feel me now? Good. Can you….”

    13. Charlie Sheen: “Do you take MasterCard?”

    12. Susan Sarandon: “Let’s just continue with the inspections for a little while longer.”

    11. Anna Nicole Smith: “Quick! Someone get a defibru… a defebrul… a diffruberal… a doctor!!”

    10. Jack Webb: “Just relax, Ma’am.”

    9. Andy Rooney: “Didja ever notice how sometimes your anus contracts during orgasm? Why is that?”

    8. Winona Ryder: “How the hell should *I* know where your wallet is?!?”

    7. Ben Affleck: “Thank you, Satan!”

    6. Steve Irwin: “Crikey! A whopper like that could swallow a guy whole!”

    5. Tony Blair: “Mind if I call you ‘Georgie’?”

    4. Pat Sajak: “Yes, I can give you an ‘O’ — in fact, I can give you several!”

    3. Wilt Chamberlain: “Next!”

    2. Michael Jackson: “Where’s your daddy? Where’s your daddy?!?”

    1. Simon Cowell: “That was horrible! Just dreadful. I believe you may be the worst sex partner in the world! I mean it, that was absolutely atrocious. I wouldn’t even call that sex.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.

    14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.

    13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.

    12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.

    11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”

    10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.

    9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.

    8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.

    7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.

    6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.

    5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.

    4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.

    3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”

    2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”

    1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    15. You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

    14. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

    13. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

    12. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

    11. Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
    You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

    10. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

    9. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

    8. There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

    7. You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

    6. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

    5. After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

    4. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

    3. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

    2. Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

    1. Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

    The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

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    15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

    14. I say zip it — zip it good!

    13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

    12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

    11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

    10. Just Say Whoa

    9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!

    8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

    7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

    6. Leave It Near Beaver

    5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

    4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

    3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

    2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.

    1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves

    The Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves

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    15. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.

    14. Your SAG card isn’t as impressive as it could be because it bears the name “BUSTY CHIXX.”

    13. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.

    12. Wow! I can’t believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is *actually* reading one of my submissions!! I’m sorry — what was the question?

    11. Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch special at the studio commissary.

    10. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.

    9. Can’t enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.

    8. Friggin’ plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.

    7. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.

    6. Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named yourself after a continent.

    5. Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5 hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man

    4. Those embarrassing “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” moments.

    3. Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.

    2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line “yes, yes, oh baby!”, or “oh baby, yes, yes!”?

    1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for “proof of employment.”

    [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    The Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

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    15. Double your measure, double your gun

    14. Share a stick with the one you love

    13. Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!

    12. The flavor that never lets you down

    11. We put the “spear” in “spearmint”

    10. Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it’s never happened before

    9. Chew it all the way home

    8. New Wrigley’s Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life

    7. Time for the seven-inch stretch!

    6. Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

    5. Have *you* had a stick lately?

    4. Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?

    3. Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities

    2. Forget the flavor — *you’ll* be like a bedpost overnight

    1. It’s Wrigidly Delicious!

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Chapters in Sex for Dummies

    The Top 16 Chapters in “Sex for Dummies”

    16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners

    15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

    14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position

    13. Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

    12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps

    11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People

    10. Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow

    9. Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!

    8. You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing

    7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

    6. Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass

    5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions

    4. “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?

    3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

    2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

    1. Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation

    The Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation

    16. Lap-based web browsing

    15. Gettin’ some air nookie

    14. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent

    13. Tango Con Mano

    12. Jostling your Elder

    11. Ruminating & Pondering

    10. Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend

    9. Releasing the hostages

    8. Tickling your Elmo

    7. Fixing the Hubble

    6. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces

    5. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome

    4. Beda-testing the hardware

    3. Downloading from your own website

    2. Evicting the testicular squatters

    1. Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship’s Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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