The stunning advances in technology witnessed over the last few years make me believe that anything is possible, however unfathomable. Nonetheless, I wasn’t able to convince my girlfriend that her seeing me in bed with another woman was simply a glitch in the Matrix.
Tone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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What the Engineer Says (What It Really Means)
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)Major technological breakthrough.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)We’ll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)Please read and initial.
(Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
(We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)Give us your interpretation.
(I can’t wait to hear this!)See me or Let’s Discuss.
(Come into my office, I’m lonely.)All new!
(Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)Rugged
(Too heavy to lift!)Lightweight
(Lighter than rugged.)Years of development
(One finally worked.)Energy saving
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)Low maintenance
(Impossible to fix if broken.) -
Excuses if You Get Caught Sleeping in Your Cubicle
It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
This is just a fifteen-minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.
I was working smarter, not harder.
“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
I’m in the management training program.
Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”
Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
The coffee machine is broken… Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.
Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!
It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?
I was cross-training for telecommuting.
Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.
The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.
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Corporate Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself — “Where the hell is the ceiling?”
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don’t suffer from stress — I’m a carrier…
15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, ’cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
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Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a friggin’ box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who’s behind you.
8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. Twenty-three power cords — one outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.
1. You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.
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A Real State
A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.
The clerk asked for her driver’s license.
She presented her West Virginia driver’s license and the clerk grabbed it away from her and scoffed, “If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!”
A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.
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Application for Employment
This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
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20 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
