Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Bar Room Translations

    1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end… drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)

    3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

    4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (female) (I’m easy.)

    5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (male) (I’m gay.)

    6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

    7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)

    8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

    9. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) (I’m horny.)

    10. “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

    11. “Excuse me.” (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)

    12. “Excuse me.” (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)

    13. “Excuse me.” (female to male) (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)

    14. “Excuse me.” (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)

    15. “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)

    16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male) (I’m really gay.)

    17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female) (I’m really easy.)

    18. “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)

    19. “Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

    20. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) (I’m 19.)

    21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male) (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

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  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part I)

    15. Waiting Really, Really Long to Exhale

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    14. Prescription: Impossible

    13. Being Robert Downey, Jr.

    12. Cheech and Chong’s “Saving Private Ryan”

    11. Bridget Jones’s Darvocet

    10. Good Pill Hunting

    9. Schindler’s Spliff

    8. Look Who’s Toking

    7. A Reefer Runs Through It

    6. From Busta to Nelly

    5. The Road to El Doritos

    4. Peyote Ugly

    3. Finding Primo

    2. Bender Like Belushi

    1. Tootski

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

    15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”

    13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”

    12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
    “Me? I thought you were supposed to!”

    11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”

    10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”

    9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”

    8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”

    7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”

    6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”

    5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”

    4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”

    3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”

    2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”

    1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Charge by the Inch

    Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it, babe? You and me?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

    She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

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  • The Top 15 Signs You’re Drinking a Chick Beer

    15. Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.

    14. Warning label states: “Caution: May make ass look fat.”

    13. After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually is a sport.

    12. Your belches come out potpourri-scented.

    11. You still cry into your eighth one, but now it’s because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.

    10. The slogan: “Get that bloated feeling any day of the month!”

    9. The label boasts that it’s this month’s recommendation from Oprah’s Beer Club.

    8. Your desire to wear women’s panties is stronger than usual.

    7. When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.

    6. After you’ve slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Waiting to Exhale.”

    5. Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!

    4. The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.

    3. “Who cares about the game? Will & Grace is on!”

    2. There’s no head unless you pour some liquor into it.

    1. Your man-boobs have started lactating.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • The Top 14 Names for Hip-Hop Drinks

    14. Rum DMC

    13. Cuervo Gold Tooth

    12. MC Hammered

    11. Harvey Gangbanger

    10. Singapore Bling

    9. 2-Pack Liqueur

    8. Sloe Gin Fizzizzle Shanizzle

    7. Gin and Chronic

    6. Old Dirty Plastered

    5. R. Kelly’s Sex on the Playground

    4. Notorious V.S.O.P.

    3. J.Lo Shots

    2. Sex on the Beyotch

    1. That Pink Sh*t with the Umbrella an’ Sh*t

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Signs You’ve Had Enough to Drink

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

    Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    You fall off the floor…

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!

    Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

    At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

    Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

    You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women (or Men).

    Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

    That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    I’m as jober as a sudge.

    The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

    You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.

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  • The Top 15 Rejected Cocktail Names

    15. Harvey Ballbuster

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    14. Gin & Colonic

    13. Slow Uncomfortable Spew

    12. Scabby Mary

    11. Sullen Masturbation on the Beach

    10. Wrung-Out Bar Rag on the Rocks with a Twist

    9. Bloody Navel

    8. Blatant Reference to Sexual Activity

    7. The Slutmaker

    6. Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall in Cancun Next to a Fat Dude Named Ramon Who Keeps Flicking Matches at Some Kids Poking a Dead Rat with a Stick They Found Underneath a ’57 T-Bird with a Dead Prostitute in the Trunk

    5. Long Island Iced Pee

    4. Screaming Hangover

    3. Buttery Pimple

    2. Elian on the Beach

    1. Sex with Your Wife

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2001 by Chris White

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  • Why a Beer Is Better Than Women

    1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    2. A frigid beer is good.

    3. A beer doesn’t care when you come home.

    4. When a beer goes flat you can toss it.

    5. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

    6. A beer never gets a headache.

    7. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.

    8. You can share a beer with a friend.

    9. You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.

    10. A beer is always wet.

    11. You can have a beer in public.

    12. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

    13. A beer doesn’t get pregnant.

    14. A beer doesn’t have parents.

    15. You can say whatever you want to a beer.

    16. A beer doesn’t care if you are late.

    17. And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.

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  • The Top 13 Rejected Steps in 12-Step Programs

    13. Whenever the urge to submit to your addiction strikes, sing Barney songs until pummeled beyond recognition.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    12. Humbly ask God to remove all character flaws and about five inches from our thighs, hips and buttocks.

    11. Toast to your success!

    10. Blame the friggin’ wife for spending all my hard-earned money, for chrissake!

    9. First step: Ask her out and treat her like a lady.

    8. Do a shot of tequila every time someone says “codependent.”

    7. First, you must admit to everyone you know that you have “this friend” who has a problem.

    6. Come clean about that Chappaquiddick thing, for cryin’ out loud.

    5. Put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.

    4. Admit that feng shui cannot in any way compensate for daily physiological counseling.

    3. Give yourself over to a higher power — but first, take off all your clothes and have a seat in the Oval Office.

    2. Steps five through seven: Lick it, suck it, slam it.

    1. Complete the program by standing in front of your support group and shouting, “I’m cured, you bunch of losers!”

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