The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown
There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.
Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”
He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”
To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”
-
Yellow French’s
If Saddam Hussein ever kills me with mustard gas, I hope it’s the yellow French’s kind, and not that brown Dijon stuff. I always hated that foo-foo gourmet crap.
-
How to Keep a Healthy Level of Sanity at Work
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none… just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”
-
Eat the Sauce
I wonder if the French word for “eat” is “app,” ’cause then the word “applesauce” would be “eat-the-sauce” in France, and I bet those dirty French would hate that.
-
Glitch in the Matrix
The stunning advances in technology witnessed over the last few years make me believe that anything is possible, however unfathomable. Nonetheless, I wasn’t able to convince my girlfriend that her seeing me in bed with another woman was simply a glitch in the Matrix.
