Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • What the Engineer Says (What It Really Means)

    A number of different approaches are being tried.
    (We are still grasping at straws.)

    We’re working on a fresh approach to the problem.
    (We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)

    Close project coordination.
    (We know who to blame.)

    Major technological breakthrough.
    (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)

    Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
    (We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)

    Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
    (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

    Test results were extremely gratifying.
    (We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)

    The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
    (The only person who understood the thing quit.)

    It is in process.
    (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)

    We’ll look into it.
    (Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)

    Please read and initial.
    (Let’s spread the responsibility for the mistake.)

    Give us the benefit of your thoughts.
    (We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already done.)

    Give us your interpretation.
    (I can’t wait to hear this!)

    See me or Let’s Discuss.
    (Come into my office, I’m lonely.)

    All new!
    (Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.)

    Rugged
    (Too heavy to lift!)

    Lightweight
    (Lighter than rugged.)

    Years of development
    (One finally worked.)

    Energy saving
    (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

    Low maintenance
    (Impossible to fix if broken.)

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  • Excuses if You Get Caught Sleeping in Your Cubicle

    It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.

    “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

    This is just a fifteen-minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

    I was working smarter, not harder.

    “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”

    “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

    This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

    I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

    I’m in the management training program.

    Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

    This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

    “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

    Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

    The coffee machine is broken… Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.

    Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!

    It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?

    I was cross-training for telecommuting.

    Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

    Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

    The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

    I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.

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  • Corporate Words of Wisdom

    1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.

    2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

    3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

    4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

    5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.

    6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

    7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

    8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

    9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

    10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

    11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself — “Where the hell is the ceiling?”

    12. My reality check bounced.

    13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

    14. I don’t suffer from stress — I’m a carrier…

    15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!

    16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, ’cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

    17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…

    18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

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  • Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

    10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a friggin’ box all day long.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who’s behind you.

    8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

    7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.

    6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

    5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

    4. Twenty-three power cords — one outlet.

    3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

    2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.

    1. You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.

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  • A Real State

    A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.

    The clerk asked for her driver’s license.

    She presented her West Virginia driver’s license and the clerk grabbed it away from her and scoffed, “If you’re going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!”

    A manager was required to verify West Virginia’s statehood.

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  • My Apologies

    When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas party.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The office manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

    First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for fifty cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

    To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

    Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

    Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don’t they? And boy, the water is sure cold!

    Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants — it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

    Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies’ room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

    To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

    Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic…

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  • Application for Employment

    This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

    NAME: Greg Bulmash

    DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.

    SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30–3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

    SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

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  • 20 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters

    1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

    2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

    3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

    4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

    5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

    6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.

    7. Plagiarism saves time.

    8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

    9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

    10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.

    11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

    12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

    13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.

    14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

    15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

    16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

    17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

    18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

    19. Succeed in spite of management.

    20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

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  • If Dr. Seuss Wrote About Computer Users

    Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem.”

    Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”

    User: “I would not read the docs online. Without them I can do just fine.”

    Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”

    User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”

    Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in hypertext?”

    User: “I would not read help in hypertext, for the problem with which I am vexed.”

    Tech: “How about if you could read it through a conveniently placed system menu?”

    User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”

    Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”

    User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, to that I will never agree!”

    User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want you to solve my problem!”

    Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, you I must now condemn”

    Tech: “To a life without working software, and a constant feeling of despair.”

    Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Seuss, or maybe something by Mother Goose.”

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  • Never Piss Off the Sysadmin

    Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Dear Mr. Baker,

    As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of cut and paste for the hundredth time.

    You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp-dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.

    In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.

    1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

    2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your favorites list, which I conveniently saved when you made me back up your useless files. I do believe that terms like Lolita are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

    3. When you borrowed the digital camera to take pictures of your mother’s birthday, you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

    Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.

    Never fuck with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

    Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

    Cecelia

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