Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Top 14 TopFive.com Happy Hour Rules

    14. Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone suggesting we get a karaoke machine.

    13. No stirring someone else’s drink with your buffalo wing bones.

    12. True happiness only. Satisfaction, beatitude, and gruntlement are not acceptable.

    11. Friday drink special: $2 “Sex Out Of Reach” shots.

    10. Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from Laura.

    9. Anyone who’s not happy will be beaten with pool cues until they become happy.

    8. When falling off your chair, do not block aisles to the jukebox or restroom.

    7. We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout drinking buddies!

    6. Strict five-drink limit means somewhere around twelve to fifteen drinks.

    5. Absolutely no Sally Struthers.

    4. Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue.
    Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.

    3. Designated drivers drink free all night!

    2. Calculating the value of pi on your cocktail napkin beyond thirty-two decimal places won’t leave room to write the phone number of the girl you’re trying to impre— Hey! Where’d she go?

    1. Confusing, hard-to-read signs on the restroom doors to be replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2001 by Chris White

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  • Top 56 Signs That You Have a Drinking Problem

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

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    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

    Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    “Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    Every woman you see has an exact twin.

    You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.

    You keep asking your wife “where are the kids?” but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.

    You fall off the floor.

    You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Had your “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”

    Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!

    Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.

    The glass keeps missing your mouth.

    Bob Dole starts to make sense.

    When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof.

    Vampires get woozy after biting you.

    The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

    At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

    Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

    When vomiting becomes a relief.

    Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk — left, right, stumble, fall.

    You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.

    Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!

    You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

    Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.

    Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.

    Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.

    No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober.

    Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down… no problem.

    If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

    Take me drunk, I’m home!

    The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!

    You find yourself as the captain of the Exxon Valdez.

    You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

    You drink to get over a hangover.

    That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

    You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.

    The whisky ain’t working anymore.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.

    I’m as jober as a sudge!

    You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!

    I slept with that damned pink elephant again.

    Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

    Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.

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  • Pastor Fuzz

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

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    The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. “Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

    “Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

    When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

    The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”

    The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”

    The bartender nodded. “Well, if you’re that far you may as well finish.”

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  • Holiday Drink Warning

    The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

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  • You Left Without Your Wheelchair Again

    David is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o’clock, last round is called, and although he knows he shouldn’t, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.

    After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor. This was not what he had expected. He knew he had some, but… He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.

    At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without awakening his wife.

    The next morning his wife asks him furiously, “Were you drunk again last night?”

    David is surprised and asks her how she knew.

    “They just called from the bar. You left without your wheelchair again.”

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  • New Government Warnings

    As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

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  • The Top 16 Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History

    16. Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.

    15. September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, “Don’t worry, Barbara, I’ll pull out.”

    13. Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.

    12. “Look, Tom, we’ll keep the ‘endowed by their Creator’ part as is, but that ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of beer’ part needs work.”

    11. It prevented the extinction of ugly people.

    10. Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create the world’s first Dave & Buster’s.

    9. The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.

    8. March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand-new uniform for his “Hot Dog On A Stick” employees.

    7. How else was Joseph gonna believe that “but I’m still a virgin” story?

    6. Bartholomew: “Aww, BOGUS! I totally left the Master’s Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget everything!”
    Luke: “Don’t sweat it, Dude. The Grail’ll turn up.”

    5. There’s a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.

    4. Fifteenth-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.

    3. “Hey, Adolph, I hear Poland has good beer.”

    2. July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is “less filling.”

    1. If the Dutch hadn’t brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those twenty-four dollars’ worth of beads wouldn’t have looked so appealing.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • ’Cause You’re Ugly

    A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a two-pound can of coffee, and a one-pound package of bacon.

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    As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

    He said, “You must be single.”

    The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, looked at her six items on the belt.

    Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections, she said, “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

    The drunk replied, “’Cause you’re ugly.”

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  • The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part II)

    15. Lord of the Bongs: The Return of My Buzz
    14. There’s Something About Mary Jane
    13. Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot Up
    12. Merry Poppers
    11. About Schlitz
    10. King Bong
    9. Giggly
    8. S*T*A*S*H
    7. Toke-lahoma!
    6. Heroin Brockovich
    5. Kilo & Snitch
    4. The Matrix: Totally Loaded
    3. Drool Hand ’Lude
    2. Good Buy, Mr. Chips Ahoy!
    1. Stingin’ in the Vein

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    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Room is spinning.
    Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
    Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while, complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
    Fault: Drooling on yourself.
    Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

    Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
    Fault: You’re at a circus.
    Solution: Go to a bar.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: PANIC!!

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