What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Tone: light-hearted
Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A Bear Walks Into a Bar
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and …………… one coke.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t know, I was born with them,” says the bear.
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A Visit To Grandpa
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandpa, who lived alone way out in the country.
The first morning, Grandpa prepared a big breakfast of bacon and eggs. As John sat down to eat, he noticed a strange film on his plate.
“Grandpa,” he asked cautiously, “are these plates clean?”
Grandpa looked at him and replied, “They’s as clean as cold water can get ’em.”
John decided not to argue and ate his breakfast.
At lunchtime, Grandpa made hamburgers. As John sat down, he noticed what appeared to be a few dried bits of egg stuck to his plate.
“Grandpa,” he said, “are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up, Grandpa replied, “Like I said at breakfast, them dishes are as clean as cold water can get ’em.”
John reluctantly ate his hamburger.
That evening, Grandpa served dinner. John examined his plate very carefully and noticed what looked suspiciously like a smear of mustard left over from his lunch.
“Grandpa,” John said, trying to remain polite, “are you sure the dishes are clean?”
Grandpa looked up, a little annoyed.
“Consarn it! Like I told you, they’s as clean as cold water can get ’em!”
John figured there was no point arguing with Grandpa and finished his meal.
The next morning, John got up early to head home. He thanked Grandpa for the visit, grabbed his bags, and headed for the front door. But as he reached the doorway, Grandpa’s dog suddenly started growling and blocking his way. John stepped back and called out, “Grandpa! Your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa looked over at the dog and said, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
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Romantic Nostalgia
An elderly couple had just climbed into bed for the night.
As they lay in the dark, the wife felt a wave of romantic nostalgia.
“Honey,” she whispered, “remember how you used to hold my hand when we were courting?”
The husband sighed, reached over, took her hand, squeezed it gently, and settled back down.
A few minutes later, she whispered, “And remember how you used to lean over and give me a sweet little kiss on the cheek?”
The husband sighed again, rolled over, kissed her cheek, and tucked himself back in.
Another minute passed.
“And remember how you used to softly nibble on my neck and ear?”
Suddenly, the husband threw off the blankets, swung his legs out of bed, and stood up.
Startled, the wife asked, “Honey, where are you going?”
Without looking back, he muttered, “To the bathroom to get my teeth!”
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My Best Friend In Bed
I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend!
She was stroking him, and he was licking her!
I did what any red-blooded man would do under such circumstances.
I rolled up a newspaper, bopped him on the nose with it, and yelled:
“Bad dog! BAD dog!”
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Lawyers Exchanging Sandwiches at a Restaurant
Two lawyers walk into a restaurant, sit down at a table, order coffee, and pull out their sandwiches.
An annoyed waitress rushes over and says, “Excuse me, you can’t eat your own food here!”
The lawyers look at her, then at each other, and exchange sandwiches.
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Amazon Driver Work From Home
My wife orders so much from Amazon that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they’d probably just let me work from home.
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It’s Perfectly Normal
When my daughters were much younger, I tried to explain to them that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.
But they still make fun of me.
