I GOT IN TOUCH WITH MY INNER SELF TODAY
THAT’S THE LAST TIME I’LL BUY 1 PLY TOILET PAPER AT THE DOLLAR STORE
Tone: light-hearted
Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Circumcision
Two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It’s a breeze!”
“Well, what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision,” the first kid replies woefully.
The second kid says, “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
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Nothing’s More American
They say nothing’s more American than grabbing a hotdog, heading to the ballpark and watching nine guys from the Dominican Republic make magic on the field.
— Will Ferrell
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Those are just contractions
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.” -
He gave me a blank stair
When I told my contractor that I didn’t want any carpeted steps, he just gave me a blank stair.
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Toast the bride and groom
Two slices of bread got married.
The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom. -
The Top 15 Songs of the Summer
15. Sunburning Down the House
14. Humidity for the Devil
13. Sweat, Caroline
12. In the Air Conditioning Tonight
11. Juice Box Hero
10. Happiness Is a Warm Sun
9. Burn! Burn! Burn!
8. The Fool on the Grill
7. Gimme Swelter
6. Bake It Off
5. This Is What You Shaved For
4. Tan by Your Man
3. Smells Like Hawaiian Tropic SPF 30
2. Rolling in the Deet
And the number one song of the summer…
1. Can’t Stop the Peeling
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I turned a few heads
I walked down the street dressed as a screwdriver.
I turned a few heads. -
How do you know it was on its way to work?
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me, “How do you know it was on its way to work?”
