A daughter once asked, “Why is your hair white?”
Mom said, “Every time you’re bad, it loses its light.”
The girl looked at Grandma and whispered in fright,
“Wow, Mom, you must have been a real terror at night!”
Tone: light-hearted
Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Those are just contractions
A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
“Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.” -
He gave me a blank stair
When I told my contractor that I didn’t want any carpeted steps, he just gave me a blank stair.
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Toast the bride and groom
Two slices of bread got married.
The wedding was amazing, until someone decided to toast the bride and groom. -
The Top 15 Songs of the Summer
15. Sunburning Down the House
14. Humidity for the Devil
13. Sweat, Caroline
12. In the Air Conditioning Tonight
11. Juice Box Hero
10. Happiness Is a Warm Sun
9. Burn! Burn! Burn!
8. The Fool on the Grill
7. Gimme Swelter
6. Bake It Off
5. This Is What You Shaved For
4. Tan by Your Man
3. Smells Like Hawaiian Tropic SPF 30
2. Rolling in the Deet
And the number one song of the summer…
1. Can’t Stop the Peeling
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I turned a few heads
I walked down the street dressed as a screwdriver.
I turned a few heads. -
How do you know it was on its way to work?
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me, “How do you know it was on its way to work?”
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A Long Time — We’re Buildin’ a Garage
A couple of rednecks pull into a lumberyard. One goes in and asks the clerk for some four-by-twos.
“You mean two-by-fours?” the clerk asks.
The redneck says, “I’ll go check.”
He goes back to the car, asks his buddy, and returns a minute later.
“Yeah, two-by-fours will be fine,” he tells the clerk.
“All right,” says the clerk. “And how long?”
“Just a minute,” says the redneck, and heads back out to the car.
A minute later he comes back and says, “A long time. We’re buildin’ a garage.”
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Tell That to Mrs. Coolidge
It’s said that President and Mrs. Coolidge were invited to visit a Department of Agriculture station that was working on ways to improve farming. Two agents guided them separately.
When Mrs. Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard, she noticed a rooster doing his duty. She asked how many times the rooster could provide service per day and was told dozens of times.
She replied, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”
Later, when the President was informed of that fact, he asked, “Same hen every time?”
He was told, “No, a different hen every time.”
He responded, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
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No, It Has to Be the Bull
A politician was touring his rural constituency in his shiny Range Rover, press in tow, visiting farmers, showing his face, and trying to come across as a man of the people.
He suddenly found the narrow country lane blocked by a bull being led by a small girl with a rope through its nose ring.
As the girl tugged at the aggravated bull’s rope, the politician got out to see how he could be of assistance.
With the press looking on, he approached the girl and asked, “Young lady, just what are you doing with such a large, dangerous animal on the public road?”
“This old bull?” says the girl. “I’m taking him down to the neighbors’ place to service one of their cows.”
“Shouldn’t your father be doing that?” asks the politician.
“Oh no…” says the girl. “It has to be the bull.”
