Tone: raunchy

Raunchy humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Last Body of the Day

    A mortician is working on the last body of the day before he’s going to call it quits. He is amazed by the size of this man’s penis.

    He says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein, you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a photo of this to show to my wife.”

    He takes the photo, finishes up for the day, and goes home. When he sees his wife, he immediately takes out his phone and shows her the photo of the penis.

    She looks aghast, then cries out, “Oh my God, Shecky Goldstein is dead!”

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  • The Horse, the Pig, and the Chicken

    A horse, a pig, and a chicken were friends.

    One day they were playing on the farm when the horse suddenly fell into a deep ditch. The pig and the chicken panicked and started crying for help. The horse called out to them from the ditch and said, “Run to the shed where the farmer keeps his tractor. Get a rope, tie one end to the tractor and throw the other end to me. Then have the farmhand drive the tractor and pull me up.”

    The chicken and the pig did exactly that but weren’t sure if the tractor would work. But it was a powerful Mercedes tractor and in no time the horse was rescued from the ditch.

    A few days later the three of them were playing on the farm again when the chicken fell into the same ditch. The pig panicked and told the horse, “Come on, let’s get the tractor and the rope, quick!”

    The horse calmly said, “Wait, leave this to me.” He went over to the ditch, slowly lowered his dick and asked the chicken to grab on to it. As the terrified chicken grabbed his dick the horse carefully pulled her up.

    “Wow, that was amazing,” said the pig. “How did you even think of that?”

    “Well,” the horse replied, “when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.”

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  • Pet-Sitting a Pair of Dogs

    A woman is pet-sitting a pair of dogs, one male and one female. In the middle of the night she awakens to a loud commotion.

    The female had gone into heat and the male was trying to mate with her. She couldn’t get them apart and was terrified.

    She called the local veterinarian and explained what was going on.

    The vet suggested, “Take your phone and place it near the dogs. I’ll ring your phone and the ringing sound will distract the male, causing him to lose his erection. Then you will be able to separate them easily.”

    “Are you sure it will work?”

    “It just worked on me!”

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  • Two Morticians at Lunch

    Two morticians were out having lunch.

    The first one said, “I had this one girl yesterday whose clitoris was just like a pickle!”

    “Really!? That big?” said the second.

    “No! That salty!”

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  • Calling In Sick

    A guy calls in sick to work. His boss doesn’t believe him and calls him back.

    The boss says, “You don’t sound sick.”

    The guy answers, “I’m in bed fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

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  • Look, either we fuckn

    Look, either we fuckn

    LOOK, EITHER WE FUCKN

    OR I’M FUCKN

  • Gremlin in a green wig

    Gremlin in a green wig

    YOUNG I WAS.

    NEEDED THE MONEY I DID.

  • Walking Her to the Front Door

    A guy walks his girlfriend to her front door after a date. He leans lazily against the house.

    “So?” he says.

    “So?” she replies.

    “So, how about a blowjob?”

    “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”

    “Come on, who’s going to see us at this hour? I’ll return the favour.”

    “Can you imagine if we got caught? Oh my god, what my father would do to you.”

    “There’s no one around. They’re all asleep.”

    “No way, it’s far too risky.”

    “But I love you so much.”

    A light comes on and the front door opens. The girl’s sister appears in her night clothes. She says, “Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Or I can do it. Or if needs be, he’ll do it himself. But for god’s sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom.”

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  • Stop Fucking My Ass

    A priest and a voluptuous young woman were alone at the church.

    “Ohhh, Father!” whispered the woman into his ear. “Don’t you just wanna come and fuck my pussy?”

    “Good heavens, my child, no!” cried the horrified priest. “Always remember: God gave you your womanhood solely for you to bear children with a man who’s your husband.”

    “Fine, Father,” said the woman. “Then what about if I give you a blowjob instead?”

    “Lord have mercy, my child!” exclaimed the priest. “Don’t you know that your mouth should always be holy and only be used to pray and worship the Lord?”

    “You’re right, Father,” conceded the young woman. “So maybe I can give you a handjob?”

    “I wouldn’t dream of defiling you like that, child,” admonished the priest. “Your hands were given to you by God so you could accomplish His good works. They should never be used for filthy deeds.”

    Then the woman finally lost her patience:

    “ALRIGHT THEN, FATHER!! Then just stop fucking my ass, ’cause it’s hurting me a lot!”

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  • My Girlfriend’s Vagina Smells Like Roses

    Bob tells his buddy, “My girlfriend’s vagina smells like roses!”

    His buddy says, “That’s incredible! You’re really lucky.”

    And Bob says, “Yeah, but Rose has bigger tits.”

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