Me: omg I’m so tired from all that crossfit this morning
Friend: it’s pronounced croissant… and I’m not sure how you managed to eat 12
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
I Can Tell By the Voice
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled…
“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
-
Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.
14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.
13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?
12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.
11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.
10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”
9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.
8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.
7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.
6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.
5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.
4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!
3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.
2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.
1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
My Boss Is Like a Fine Wine
My boss is like a fine wine. All I want to do is drive a corkscrew into him but my co-workers keep saying, “Not yet, let’s wait for a special occasion.”
-
Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.
14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.
13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.
12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.
11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”
10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.
9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.
8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.
7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.
6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.
5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.
4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.
3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”
2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”
1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Spain and Portugal Fit Like a Glove
Continental drift is no mere theory; it is fact. Forget about trying to fit Africa and South America together — just look at how Spain’s jagged western border fits Portugal’s jagged eastern border like a glove. Coincidence? Please.
-
Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line
The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line
13. New “Victor’s Secret” line
12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.
11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.
10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!
9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.
8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.
7. Every wear you look — corduroy!
6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.
5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.
4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.
3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.
2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.
1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ] -
Top 12 Signs Your Ex Is Dating a Convict
The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]12. She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”
11. Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”
10. She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.
9. She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.
8. Your ex *is* a convict.
7. Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”
6. You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.
5. Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”
4. You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”
3. She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”
2. Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.
1. Her license plate is autographed.
-
Social Security Kind
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”
Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”
“Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.
“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”
