Tone: Sarcastic

Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • FAQ for Women About Men

    The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

    Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
    A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

    Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
    A: YES. Before if possible.

    Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

    Q: How long should the sex act last?
    A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

    Q: What is “afterplay”?
    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

    Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

    Q: What about the female orgasm?
    A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

  • Social Security Kind

    Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.

    Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”

    Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”

    “Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.

    “Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”

  • Preferred Seating on the Short Bus

    On my resume, should I be bold and include “Proven Methodology of Obtaining and Retaining Preferred Seating on the Short Bus” as an achievement? Or should I just list it with my other superpowers?

  • Five Million Dollar Savings Account

    A man walks into a bank.

    Goes up to the teller and says, “I’d like to open a damn savings account.”

    The teller says, “Sir, I’d be happy to help you, but this is a place of business — you can’t swear here.”

    The man replies, “I don’t care, just let me open a damn savings account.”

    The teller says, “Sir, that’s just inappropriate. If you keep talking to me that way I’ll have to get the manager.”

    The man says, “Why won’t you just open the damn savings account?”

    So the teller goes and gets the manager — he comes out and says, “Alright sir, I understand you’re swearing at my employee — what seems to be the problem here?”

    The man says, “I don’t have a problem — I just won 5 million dollars in the lottery and I want to open up a damn savings account!”

    The manager looks at the teller and back at the man and says, “And this motherfucker wouldn’t let you?”

  • Hotel Jizz

    Hotel Jizz

    I love how hotels will charge you $250 for smokin in your room but you can literally jizz on anything you want and there’s no charge…

  • Four Months Vacation and Five Good Leads

    A guy at confession says to the priest: “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

    The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

    “Yes, Father, it is.”

    “And who was the girl you were with?”

    “I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”

    “Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

    “I cannot say.”

    “Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

    “I’ll never tell.”

    “Was it Nina Capelli?”

    “I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”

    “Was it Cathy Piriano?”

    “My lips are sealed.”

    “Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

    “Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

    The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

    Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”

    “Four months vacation and five good leads!”

  • 3.8 Billion Women Clean

    3.8 Billion Women Clean

    THERE ARE 3.8 BILLION WOMEN ON EARTH

    YOU THINK IT WOULD BE CLEAN BY NOW

  • I Need a Handsaw

    Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw.

    So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

    He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

    The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock, starts masturbating and points at it.

    The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”

    The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

  • Love Blooms in Workplace Jealousy

    “Darling,” murmured the girl to her boyfriend, “when did you first realize that you were in love with me?”

    “Well, I suppose…” whispered the man tenderly, “it was when I started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said you were a lousy lay.”

  • Selfish Husband Turns Pleasure Condom Inside Out

    My wife suggested that we use a new type of condom. It had ridges and bumps and feathers on the side and a shape like a chicken head on the top.

    I asked what it was and she explained that it was “especially designed to provide the maximum pleasure for woman”.

    I was having none of this and put it on inside out. Why should she get all the fun?