Doc: looks like you’re pregnant
girl: i’m pregnant ?
Doc: no it just looks like you are
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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A Doctor’s Diagnosis
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A Round Of Golf
Joe, Ed, and Bob are on the course playing a round when a funeral procession passes by. Joe stops what he’s doing, stands straight, removes his hat, and bows his head.
Ed says, “Damn, I didn’t know Joe was so respectful of the dead!”
Bob says, “Yeah, well, they would’ve been married 30 years next week.”
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Joe And Ed At Work
I was just starting work when two of my coworkers, Joe and Ed, walked in and were refusing to even look at each other. I asked Joe what the issue was, and he asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who cheats. I said no.
Then Joe asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who throws their ball out of the sand trap and claims they hit it. I said no again.
Joe asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who changes their scores when no one was looking. I got mad and said, “No! I wouldn’t at all.”
Then Joe looked meek and said, “Yeah, well, neither does Ed…”
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A Third Opinion
A woman decides she wants to get a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh. She goes to a local parlor but is really dissatisfied with the resulting portrait. So, the guy goes ahead and tries again on her other thigh. Again, she’s not satisfied with the results.
“Look, lady,” he says, “I’m sorry you’re not happy, but there’s nothing wrong with the art I did. You need to pay up.”
“No way,” she says. “Neither of them look like the King of Rock and Roll. I’m not paying you a cent.”
They bicker about it for a bit and decide to get a third opinion. The next guy who walks past the shop gets corralled in by the artist. The lady hikes up her skirt and says, “Okay, do you recognize those faces?”
The guy takes a long look, then replies, “Well, I don’t know about those other dudes, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”
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The New Bull
A farmer has two bulls and lots of cows, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore. One day, the farmer buys a third bull. The new bull is much younger and more energetic than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
One of the two old bulls starts huffing, snorting, and pawing the ground. “Don’t try to compete with him,” says the other old bull. “You’re too old. He’d laugh at you.”
“I’m not trying to compete with him,” says the first old bull. “I just want him to know I’m not a cow.”
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Avram’s New Cow
Avram needs a new milk cow, so he travels to Minsk to buy one. When he returns, he immediately sees a problem with the new cow.
Every time the bull approached and mounted the cow to mate, the cow would pull away and run to the other side of the pasture. This went on for several days.
Getting desperate and not knowing what to do, Avram contacted his rabbi for advice. He explained, “Rabbi, my new cow will not let the bull mate. Every time he tries, she runs to the other side of the pasture.”
The rabbi thinks for a moment, then asks, “Avram, did you, perhaps, get this cow in Minsk?”
“Why, yes! How could you have known that?”
There was a long pause, then the rabbi sighed, “My wife is from Minsk.”
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A Place In The Library
A guy is looking for a place to sit in a college library.
He asks a girl, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replies in a loud voice, “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!”
All the students turn and stare at the guy. Flushed with embarrassment, he moves to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walks quietly to the guy’s table and says with a laugh, “I study psychology, so I know what a man is thinking. Guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy then responds, also in a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT’S TOO MUCH!”
All the students are now looking at the girl in shock.
The guy whispers in her ear, “I study law, and I know how to screw people.”
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Iced Tea With Two Ladies
Two southern ladies were sipping iced teas on a warm afternoon.
The first one wiggled her wrist and bragged, “See this tennis bracelet? My husband gave it to me just because.”
The second lady nodded and politely said, “Bless your heart.”
The first one then twirled her pearl necklace with her finger and said, “My husband gave me this for my birthday. Don’t you just love the luster?”
The second lady said, louder this time, “Bless your heart.”
The first one then said, “See this two-carat diamond ring?” Waving her hand in front of the second lady’s nose, she added, “My husband replaced my wedding ring with it because he is now so well off!”
The second lady exclaimed, “OH, BLESS YOUR HEART!”
The first lady then smugly said, “No offense, but what did your husband get you?”
The second lady replied, “He paid for me to go to charms school.”
“Oh dear, so what have you learned?” inquired the first lady condescendingly.
The second lady said, “We learned to say ‘bless your heart’ instead of ‘F*uck you!’”
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I Told My Wife I Wanted to Be Cremated
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.
She made an appointment for Tuesday.
