Tone: satirical
Satirical humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Top 20 Brexitisms
20. Czechout
19. Byehamas
18. AufWiederSpain
17. Bolts-wanna
16. ToStayOrTogo
15. Cote de AuRevoir
14. Canadivorce
13. Fleeji
12. Scootland
11. Outdia
10. Bounce-nia and Herewegoseeya
9. Dubaibye
8. Afghaniscram
7. China-na-na, Hey Hey, Goodbye!
6. Solongman Islands
5. Australiaderci!
4. Farewales
3. Ethelopeia
2. ColorMeGhana
And the number one Brexitism…
1. Greece Out
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The Top 16 Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday
16. Filled out the necessary paperwork to have the paraffin spill from his birthday cake declared a federal Superfund cleanup site.
15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.
14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.
13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.
12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.
11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!
10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.
9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.
8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.
7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.
6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.
5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.
4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.
3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”
2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.
1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.
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Top 12 Things We Are Most Thankful for This Year
12. Urinal-water-resistant phone cases.
11. Being picked for the “Survivor” series filming over the remainder of the Presidential Primary season.
10. Toilet paper without pieces of bark in it.
9. Black Friday retailers who arm their staff with Tasers.
8. My wife for giving me a new AR-15 after my old one was taken from me in an armed robbery.
7. That there are six degrees of separation between me and Charlie Sheen.
6. I would show you how thankful I am for the Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year, but emojis don’t work here.
5. Terrorism and refugee crises put in perspective by students protesting certain Halloween costumes.
4. “Relaxed fit” Jeggings!
3. With the presidential election still a year away, 12 more months of Trump jokes!
2. Lube and needle-nose pliers. Please don’t ask why.
And the number one thing we’re most thankful for this year…
1. The love, patience, and understanding of my fam… [snort]… [chuckle]… sorry. Couldn’t say it with a straight face. CRONUTS, baby! Cronuts are friggin’ AWESOME!
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High-Stakes Humor: Plane Drop Laughs!
Trump and Elon Musk are on a plane.
Trump says to Elon Musk, “I could drop $1 to the ground, and it would make one person happy—tremendous happiness, happiest ever!”
Elon replies, “I could drop 100 one-dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy!”
The pilot walks out of the cockpit and says, “I could drop this plane to the ground and make 8.2 billion people happy!”
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Unexpected Guests: A Night at the Farm
A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road.
Of course, their car breaks down, and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours, and as the sun is setting, they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers, and the trio explain their situation.
The farmer says, “Welp, ain’t nobody ’round here can help y’all till the morning. But y’all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y’all is gonna have to bed down in the barn, ’cause I only got two spare beds, ya see.”
So the trio draws straws, and the Jew gets the short one. He goes out to the barn to sleep, and everyone else goes to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there. It’s forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal.”
So they wake up the Hindu, and he agrees to swap places with the Jew. Everyone goes back to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal.”
So they wake up the lawyer, and he goes out to sleep in the barn. Everyone goes back to bed.
A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and there’s a pig and a cow standing there.
