This is Alexei, he’s responsible for the destruction of 30 Russian tanks. Alexei is the worst mechanic in the Russian army
Tone: satirical
Satirical humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Hallmark Movie
woman: i have a high paying job in new york city that i love and christmas isn’t that important to me
her black friend: you need a MAN
woman’s dad: come to the small town,, we are suffering without a baker for our town festivale
woman: ok dad
man: i harvest maple syrup for a living and make 2 dollars a year
woman: :/
man: will you harvest maple syrup with me…
woman: i’ve decided i hate my job and i’m going to resign myself to making christmas tree ornaments in fuckberg for the rest of my life
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Back In My Day Hippies
BaCk iN mY DaY wE WeReN’t sO eAsiLy oFfEndEd
Back in your day: LONG HAIR IS COMMUNISM STOP HIPPIES MARCH OF THE CHRIST MOVE THEM HIPPIES NORTH
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.
14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.
13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?
12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.
11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.
10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”
9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.
8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.
7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.
6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.
5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.
4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!
3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.
2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.
1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.
14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.
13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.
12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.
11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”
10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.
9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.
8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.
7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.
6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.
5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.
4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.
3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”
2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”
1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence
15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!
14. I say zip it — zip it good!
13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.
12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!
11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!
10. Just Say Whoa
9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!
8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!
7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!
6. Leave It Near Beaver
5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.
4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!
3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!
2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.
1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
The Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves
15. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.
14. Your SAG card isn’t as impressive as it could be because it bears the name “BUSTY CHIXX.”
13. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.
12. Wow! I can’t believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is *actually* reading one of my submissions!! I’m sorry — what was the question?
11. Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch special at the studio commissary.
10. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.
9. Can’t enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.
8. Friggin’ plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.
7. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.
6. Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named yourself after a continent.
5. Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5 hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man
4. Those embarrassing “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” moments.
3. Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.
2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line “yes, yes, oh baby!”, or “oh baby, yes, yes!”?
1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for “proof of employment.”
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ] -
Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
14. Your name: John
Your brother’s name: John
Your other brother’s name: John
Your sister’s name: Trixie13. Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”
12. Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
11. Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
10. Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”
9. When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”
8. Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
7. After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”
6. Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
5. You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.
4. His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”
3. Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.
2. Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?
1. Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ] -
Top 14 Dream Wrestling Matches
The Top 14 Dream Wrestling Matches
14. Michael “The Glove” Jackson -vs- George “The Hand” Michael
13. Bob “Hacksaw” Villa -vs- Martha “Doily Queen” Stewart
12. “The First Lady” -vs- “The Most Recent Lady”
11. Edward Scissorhands -vs- John Bobbit
10. Carrot Top -vs- Bugs Bunny
9. Drescher -vs- Gottfried — in a Zero-Contact Whine-a-thon Death Cage Match!
8. Arnold Schwarzenegger -vs- The English Language
7. Pat “Captain Vanilla” Sajak -vs- Alex “Oh, I’m Sorry” Trebek
6. Bill “The Adulterer” Clinton -vs- Bill “The Atoner” Clinton
5. Monica “Hummer” Lewinsky -vs- Orrin “We Still Call it Sodomy in This State” Hatch
4. The Norelco Santa -vs- The Mach3 Studmuffin
3. Vanilla Ice -vs- The Crips
2. Ron “McBigfoot” McDonald -vs- Colonel “Open A Can o’ Whup-Ass” Sanders
1. The predominately female and nearly naked “Baywatch” cast -vs- The predominately male and socially awkward Top5 contributors
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ] -
Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line
The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line
13. New “Victor’s Secret” line
12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.
11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.
10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!
9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.
8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.
7. Every wear you look — corduroy!
6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.
5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.
4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.
3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.
2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.
1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]
