Tone: self-deprecating

Self-deprecating humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

The Nick Smith Theorem of Wanking: The amount of sex I’m getting

The Nick Smith Theorem of Wanking: The amount of sex I’m getting is inversely proportionate to how much my right arm hurts.
I’ve been getting a lot of “but sex” lately. Women I date say,

I’ve been getting a lot of “but sex” lately. Women I date say, “I like you and all, but sex…”
Well, I guess I’m not going to host a foreign exchange student

Well, I guess I’m not going to host a foreign exchange student after all. Here’s a tip: You don’t want to specifically ask to get a sexy uninhibited Italian girl with huge tits. That seems to raise a red flag with the interviewers.
Life can be cruel. No matter how beautiful I am, or how elegant,

Life can be cruel. No matter how beautiful I am, or how elegant, affluent and aristocratic I have become, I will always be remembered as the girl who farted in the teacher’s face in 5th grade gym class.
I always thought the lyrics were, “Love me tender, love me long,

I always thought the lyrics were, “Love me tender, love me long, take my legs apart.” It would be nice if someone had corrected me *before* I sang it at my sister’s wedding.
If I ever get cast for a reality show, I’m going to dub myself

If I ever get cast for a reality show, I’m going to dub myself “The Predicament,” because I bring that added element of suspenseful mischief. Plus, much like Snooki, it has a “dic” in it.
They say you never forget the name of your first love. Mine was

They say you never forget the name of your first love. Mine was Asshole O’Douchebag.
But in the end, it’s always my dick that somehow ends up

But in the end, it’s always my dick that somehow ends up grabbing my attention. (Jim Woodruff My new girlfriend is the sexiest woman in the world: big firm breasts, gorgeous eyes and lips, luscious curving hips, long and thick peni– hey, wait just a fucking minute! Oh, my god. I can’t believe this! She totally forgot to wish me a happy one-week anniversary!
My boyfriend keeps saying he wants to fuck me silly. That’s

My boyfriend keeps saying he wants to fuck me silly. That’s ridiculous — I’m already silly.
Advice: Never try to put your dick in a blood pressure checking

Advice: Never try to put your dick in a blood pressure checking machine. It doesn’t feel as good as you would think, and they’ll ban you from Walgreens for life.