Tone: self-deprecating

Self-deprecating humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

My boyfriend keeps saying he wants to fuck me silly. That’s

My boyfriend keeps saying he wants to fuck me silly. That’s ridiculous — I’m already silly.
Advice: Never try to put your dick in a blood pressure checking

Advice: Never try to put your dick in a blood pressure checking machine. It doesn’t feel as good as you would think, and they’ll ban you from Walgreens for life.
What can I say, I’m good in bed. And I have the collection of

What can I say, I’m good in bed. And I have the collection of melted vibrators to prove it.
I was crushed when I wasn’t voted prom queen in high school, but

I was crushed when I wasn’t voted prom queen in high school, but I’ve since redeemed myself by being chosen blowjob queen of my trailer court.
In high school, I used to hold a notebook in front of my

In high school, I used to hold a notebook in front of my appendage to hide the wood I was sporting. Now that I’m older and more mature, I throw a parade in its honor.
I just know there’s some guy at Google’s safe search department

I just know there’s some guy at Google’s safe search department whose job it is to develop software that recognizes, tags and isolates images of nipples. FML.
Somebody once wrote, “Quality questions create a quality life,”

Somebody once wrote, “Quality questions create a quality life,” but my quality question to women I bump into at the mall, “Do you want to have sex with me?” usually results in a restraining order.
I really hate people who give TMI. I hate them more than all the

I really hate people who give TMI. I hate them more than all the bloody underwear I’ve throw in the trash on account of my oozing hemorrhoids.
(Daina Schatz / @dsschatz) My wife promised me a hummer for my

(Daina Schatz / @dsschatz) My wife promised me a hummer for my birthday, so I was very disappointed to find a $50,000 SUV in my driveway.
With my luck, I’ll end up with the world’s first diagnosed case

With my luck, I’ll end up with the world’s first diagnosed case of “genital anthrax.” And when they find out I work at the post office, the boss is really going to question my mail-handling procedures.