Tone: self-deprecating

Self-deprecating humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Stimulus Check Midget Hookers

    Stimulus Check Midget Hookers

    Me when I realize I should have used my stimulus check on bills instead of midget hookers with pink wigs

    Someday I’ll learn.

  • Selling My Nudes

    Selling My Nudes

    Times are tough so once again I will be selling my nudes.

    $5 to get one

    $25 not to get one

  • The Eggnog Alibi

    I miss the holidays. It’s the only time of year when you can get away with telling people that the stain on your dress is really eggnog.

  • Per Alt Delete

    Per Alt Delete

    9AM: I’m going to work hard and get ahead today.

    9:05AM:

  • Depressed And Miserable

    Depressed And Miserable

    Last year I was miserable and depressed but this year I turned that shit around so I’m depressed and miserable now

  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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  • Bucknekkid Dart Tag Reconsidered

    While I love weapons, nudity and sports, perhaps I should have spent a little more time thinking through the reality of Bucknekkid Dart Tag.

  • Aging and Facial Hair

    When I was in my twenties, not shaving for a few days gave me a cool Don Johnson/Miami Vice look. Now that I’m in my forties, though, it tends to make me look more like Otis from Mayberry.

  • Bounce a Quarter Off My Ass

    I’ve worked hard to get to the point where you can now bounce a quarter off my ass. Well, to clarify, I meant a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and I’ll probably snatch it from you on the return trajectory.

  • My Real Life

    I would be completely happy to just live in my dreams, if it weren’t for my girlfriend repeatedly changing into Hitler. No, wait a minute — that’s my real life.