Tone: self-deprecating

Self-deprecating humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Bounce a Quarter Off My Ass

    I’ve worked hard to get to the point where you can now bounce a quarter off my ass. Well, to clarify, I meant a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and I’ll probably snatch it from you on the return trajectory.

  • My Real Life

    I would be completely happy to just live in my dreams, if it weren’t for my girlfriend repeatedly changing into Hitler. No, wait a minute — that’s my real life.

  • When Women Make Gay Men Question Everything

    Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands when a beautiful woman passes them. She’s 5’10”, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no tan lines!

    The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly, and in a breathless whisper says, “It’s women like her that sometimes make me wish I was a Lesbian!”

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  • Delicate Hand-Eye Skills

    I often wonder if I would be in my current profession if I hadn’t developed my delicate hand-eye skills as a child playing “Operation.” Probably not, since the boss would have fired me long ago for ruining all those keyboards because of stray peanut bits falling off of my Salted Nut Roll.

  • 500 Votes Per Boob

    Well, another election in my household has passed and the results are in: The Sex-Every-Sunday Referendum was defeated soundly, 1000-1. I knew agreeing to the 500-vote-per-boob Electoral College would come back to haunt me.

  • Football in the Background

    I was a cameraman in Dallas for three years before I realized that they have a football game in the background of all those cheerleader performances.

  • Number One

    Last night, my girlfriend told me that I’m her “number one.” That’s just great: Not only does she see another man, but I’m more numb than he is.

  • The Space Program

    If they ever start taking civilians into the space program, I’ll be the first to sign up. Not because I’m into science or exploring or stuff, but because I owe a lot of money to some really mean dudes in Jersey.

  • You Can Trust Me As Far As You Can Throw Me

    If I were a midget used-car dealer, my motto would be “You can trust me as far as you can throw me.”

  • Never Really That Into Her

    So sad news, my girlfriend broke up with me for having a small penis.

    It’s OK… I was never really that into her.