Tone: self-deprecating

Self-deprecating humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Die Positive Surroundings

    Die Positive Surroundings

    The doctor said if i can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.

    I’m going to die.

  • The Only Way I Can See the Numbers

    When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”

    “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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  • My Butt on the Account

    My mouth keeps writing checks my butt can’t cash, so I got my butt on the account, too. Unfortunately, it tends to blurt out my account number at inopportune times, like it did when I was applying for a mortgage last week. At least that’s what I told the loan agent.

  • Preferred Seating on the Short Bus

    On my resume, should I be bold and include “Proven Methodology of Obtaining and Retaining Preferred Seating on the Short Bus” as an achievement? Or should I just list it with my other superpowers?

  • Positive Thoughts

    They say if you have positive thoughts about something, it will happen. Well, I’ve been thinking positively about my neighbor’s 19-year-old daughter, but so far, no luck. I think maybe my wife’s negative thoughts are interfering.

  • Fish Mr Brightside

    Fish Mr Brightside

    I’m comin’ out of the lake and I’ve been doin’ just fine, gotta gotta get out because I wanna walk.

    Started out as a fish, how did it end up like this?

    I was only a fish, I was only a fish.

  • Lotion Wiener Heel

    Lotion Wiener Heel

    Bottom of my heel watching me lotion up my wiener for the 4th time today

  • Wet Tshirt Contest Hard

    Wet Tshirt Contest Hard

    Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

  • Carrying The Family

    Carrying The Family

    my back after carrying all the looks, talent, and humour in the family

  • Forty Five Minutes Toilet Memes

    Forty Five Minutes Toilet Memes

    When you get up after spending forty-five minutes on the toilet looking at memes