Tone: self-deprecating

Self-deprecating humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Push Up Last Year

    Push Up Last Year

    Why are my arms so weak?

    It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing.

  • First Football Game Sex

    First Football Game Sex

    MY FIRST HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME WAS A LOT LIKE THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX

    I WAS BLOODY AND SORE BUT AT LEAST MY DAD CAME

  • Race Who Comes First

    Race Who Comes First

    WHENEVER I HAVE SEX, IT’S A RACE TO SEE WHO COMES FIRST.

    ME OR THE POLICE.

  • Expert Identifying Birds

    Expert Identifying Birds

    Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds

    Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?

    Me: Yup, they’re all birds

  • Havent Stolen In A Week

    Havent Stolen In A Week

    when you haven’t stolen anything in a week

  • Office Space Ditches

    Office Space Ditches

    The older I get the more I understand why Peter was happy to dig ditches for a living at the end of Office Space

  • Die Positive Surroundings

    Die Positive Surroundings

    The doctor said if i can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.

    I’m going to die.

  • The Only Way I Can See the Numbers

    When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!” I replied, “Sure, it does.”

    “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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  • My Butt on the Account

    My mouth keeps writing checks my butt can’t cash, so I got my butt on the account, too. Unfortunately, it tends to blurt out my account number at inopportune times, like it did when I was applying for a mortgage last week. At least that’s what I told the loan agent.

  • Preferred Seating on the Short Bus

    On my resume, should I be bold and include “Proven Methodology of Obtaining and Retaining Preferred Seating on the Short Bus” as an achievement? Or should I just list it with my other superpowers?