Tone: shocking
Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Thats the Sheriffs Gal
A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.
He asked one of the local cowboys, “What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?”
The cowboy replied, “See them thar’ sheep up on th’et hill. We just go git us one.”
“That is disgusting and barbaric!!” replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.
The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, “You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I’m some sort of freak for doing what you’ve been doing all along. I’m just doing it with more class.”
“That ain’t the problem,” replied one cowboy. “That’s the sheriff’s gal you’re with.”
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OJ Simpson Wanted to Move to West Virginia
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
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45 Pounds vs 45 Minutes
We all know the difference between a girlfriend and a wife is 45 pounds, but…
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.Q: What is the definition of “making love”?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.Q: What’s the difference between Pee-wee Herman and O.J.?
A: It took 12 jerks to get O.J. off.Q: What does a Polish woman do after she sucks a cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme. -
The Band or the Football Team
The girl admitted under parental questioning that she was pregnant, but couldn’t say who was responsible.
“All right!” bellowed her Mother, “you march yourself to your room, and don’t come out until you can give us a definite answer.”
Later that night her voice rang down the stairs. “Hey Mom, I think I have an idea now.”
“I should hope so!” the Mother responded. “The very idea that any daughter of mine could get pregnant, let alone not know the father.”
“Chill Mom.” the girl said. “I got it narrowed down to the band or the football team.”
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Wouldnt I Wooden Eye
There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.
He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However, instead of her mouth going across her face, it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk, the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.
This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. She yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye, and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted “WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.
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You Know Youre a Whore When
You Know You’re a Whore When……
1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
2. Arsenio touches your knee.
3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
7. The EPA comes looking for you.
8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
15. When they change your # to 976.
16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
22. When you get haemorrhoids on your shoulders.
23. When getting dressed is not part of your day.
24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
31. On the golf course, you’re afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
39. When sunlight scares you.
40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
45. When everyone refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”.
52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window. -
Sex Calories 5 Miles
DURING SEX YOU BURN AS MUCH CALORIES AS RUNNING FOR 5 MILES.
WHO THE FUCK RUNS 5 MILES IN 30 SECONDS?
