When she’s getting ready to show you the advantages of dating an older woman…
Tone: suggestive
Suggestive humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.
14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.
13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.
12. Do not use if already semen-filled.
11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.
10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.
9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.
8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.
7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.
6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.
5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.
4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.
3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.
2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.
1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
15. You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”
14. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
13. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
12. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
11. Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”10. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
9. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
8. There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
7. You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.
6. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”
5. After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.
4. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
3. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
2. Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.
1. Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 16 Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex
The Top 16 Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex
16. “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night!”
15. “All I wanna do is go the distance.”
14. “I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself.”
13. “It’s not a tumor!”
12. “I feel the need… the need for speed.”
11. “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. It does this whenever it’s told.”
10. “My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!”
9. “Say ‘hello’ to my little friend.”
8. “At that speed, will you be able to pull out in time?”
7. “We’re gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.”
6. “I can’t hold ‘er anymore, Cap’n!”
5. “And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”
4. “I call him ‘Mini-Me.’”
3. “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious.”
2. “Look, man, I ain’t fallin’ for no banana in my tailpipe!”
1. “That’ll do, pig.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Broken Condoms Couch
Him: Why are broken condoms on the couch?
Her: Would you PLEASE start using our children’s real names?
