My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
Tone: unexpected
Unexpected humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Assassin’s Rate
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup.”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”
“Okay, well, I’ve got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go,” the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.
“Hold on a minute,” said the assassin. “I think I can save you 10K.”
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A Thousand Dollars
He asks, “Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?”
She says, “Hell yea!” So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually, the lady asks, “Aren’t you gonna bite them?”
He says, “Nah, it’s too expensive.”
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At Confession
Girl: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done, my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes, Father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Girl: “Yes, Father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, Father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes, Father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes) “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “But Father, he had AIDS!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
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A Visit To The Brothel
A midget walks into a brothel with a honeycomb under his arm and a donkey following closely behind. He asks the headmistress for a woman for the evening, as his wife had left him.
She says, “Sure thing, but I gotta ask, what’s with the honeycomb and the donkey?”
He says, “Well, my wife found a genie’s lamp, and her first wish was a home fit for a queen, and she ended up with a honeycomb. Then she asked for the nicest ass ever, and so she got this very well-behaved donkey.”
The mistress asks about the third wish, and the midget says she wished I had a dick that hung past my knee.
She says, “Well, that doesn’t sound so bad.”
“It wouldn’t be that bad except I used to be 6’3”!”
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A Tree Falls in a Forest
[tree falls in forest]
[doesn’t make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit I mean AHHH!!!
