I was so bored that I memorized six pages of the dictionary, and I learned next to nothing.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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What’s Your Husband’s Number
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche…
Astonished, my wife asked her, “How could you afford this?!”
“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.
Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”
“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister-in-law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
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Do You Have a Weedeater
Two Tennessee rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba turns to Billy Ray and says, “Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”
Billy Ray really doesn’t think very much, but says that he’ll go along for the ride.
The next day, Bubba and Billy Ray go down to the Community College, and Bubba meets the Admissions Counselor. After a short discussion, the Counselor signs Bubba up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bubba says. “What the heck is that?”
Well, the Counselor says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”
“Yeah, I sure do,” says Bubba.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that because you own a weedeater, you must have a yard,” replied the Counselor.
“Hey, that’s really good!” replied Bubba.
The Counselor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also probably own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “That’s amazing, yes, I do have a house!”
“And because you have a house, and a yard, you might also logically have a family,” said the Counselor.
“Hey, this is some good stuff! Yes, I do have a family!” says Bubba.
The Counselor said, “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I sure do have a wife, her name is Betty Sue,” said Bubba.
The redneck was starting to catch on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are probably heterosexual,” said the Counselor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard, figuring all that out ’cause I own a weedeater! I can’t wait to take this logic class!” said Bubba.
The redneck, so proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray was waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked Billy Ray.
“Math, English, History, and Logic!” replied Bubba.
“Logic?” Billy Ray says. “What’s that?”
Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”
“No.”
Perplexed, Bubba ponders for a moment, then says, “Then you’re homosexual, ain’t ya.”
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Perfect Eyesight on the Fairway
Arthur is 75 years old…
He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago.
One day, he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea.
As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” the brother-in-law answers. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”
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The Pope as His Chauffeur
While visiting the United States, the Pope tells his limo driver that he suddenly has the urge to drive.
The driver, being a devoted Catholic, would never dream of refusing the Pope, so he climbs into the back seat while the Pope takes the wheel.
They’re cruising down the highway at nearly 80 mph when a police officer spots them and pulls them over.
The officer radios headquarters:
“Chief, I’ve pulled over a limo with a very important VIP inside.”
The chief asks, “Who is it? The mayor?”
“No, someone more important.”
“The governor?”
“More important.”
“The President?!”
“No, even more important.”
Now irritated, the chief says, “Who could possibly be more important than the President?”
The policeman calmly whispered, “I’ll put it to you this way, Chief… I don’t know who this guy is, but he’s got the Pope as his chauffeur.”
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Damn Autocorrect
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
“I am so sorry, Bob. I’m riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been using your wife for many weeks now. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I hope you will accept my sincerest apology and my promise that it won’t happen again.”
The heartbroken man, enraged, went into his bedroom, grabbed his wife, and threw her out the back door. Then he locked the door. A few moments later, a second text came in:
“Damn autocorrect. I meant WiFi, not wife.”
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Increasing the GDP
Two businessmen were walking down the street, when one of them spots a pile of dog shit on the ground.
Being bored, he tells the other guy, “Hey, if you eat that, I’ll give you $10k right now.”
Naturally, he plugs his nose and eats it. As promised, the first one pulls $10k out of his wallet and hands it over. It’s a big wallet, I guess.
A mile later, they spot another pile. This time, the second businessman tells the first, “$10k to eat that right now!”
Of course, the first one takes the deal. Easy money, right?
They continue walking, and after a moment, the first one says, “You know, it occurs to me we both just ate dog shit, and we’re not a penny richer.”
After a moment, the second one replies, “Yes, but we increased the GDP by $20k.”
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Keep an Eye Out
A man walks into a brothel and says he wants an experience like he’s never had before.
The lady behind the desk nods with a devious smile and says room 2. The man enters the room and sees a very plain looking middle aged woman. She comes over to him and pops out her eyeball from the socket and says, “In here.” He has the most incredible experience of his entire life by far. As he was leaving he said, “Oh my God, I must see you again.”
She said, “I’ll keep an eye out for you!”
