My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his “better half.”
I returned the courtesy and introduced my wife as the “lesser of two evils.”
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Perfect Eyesight on the Golf Course
Jimmy is a 78-year-old retiree who has played golf every day for nearly 20 years. He arrives home from the course and he’s quite dejected. He tells his bride that he’s gonna hang up the sticks as he can no longer see his ball after he takes a swing, and it really makes him upset!
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs the dejected retiree, “your brother is 85 years old! He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the patient wife, “but his eyesight is nearly perfect.”
So the next day Jimmy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees it up on the first hole, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, and immediately asks the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Jimmy asks.
“I don’t remember.”
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The Pastor and the Post Office
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station…
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office.”
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Retirement Benefits Without ID
Yesterday, I went to apply for retirement benefits but forgot my wallet. The clerk said, “Just unbutton your shirt.”
I showed my gray chest hair. She said, “That’ll do,” and processed everything.
When I told my wife, she said, “You should’ve dropped your pants, maybe you’d qualify for disability too.”
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The Golf Mulligan
A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.
She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.
Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”
The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.
“Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”
“Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”
“Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”
“Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.
“I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”
He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.
Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.
“Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”
The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”
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Kenya Believe It
My wife left me because I have an unhealthy obsession with Africa.
Kenya believe it?!
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Number Than Numb
English puns make me feel numb but math puns make me feel number.
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Words Cannot Describe How Much This Bugs Me
I keep forgetting the difference between etymology and entomology…
…and words cannot describe how much this bugs me.
