Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Tightest Man in Town

    Old Mr. Patterson, the tightest man in town, was lying on his deathbed. As his final wish, he asked to be alone with his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor.

    “I know I can’t take it with me,” he whispered, “but I’m going to try.” He handed each man $150,000 and said, “Make sure this money goes in the casket with me.”

    A few days after the funeral, the pastor cleared his throat at the diner, “With a heavy heart, I confess… I only put $100,000 in the casket.”

    The doctor sighed and rubbed his temples, “Since we’re being honest, I only put in $80,000 myself.”

    The lawyer slammed his coffee cup down in disgust, “You two ought to be ashamed of yourselves! Taking money from a dying man?” he huffed. “Am I the only honest one here?”

    He pulled out his checkbook and waved it proudly, “I wrote him a check for the full $150,000!”

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  • The Golf Shot Behind the Barn

    A guy golfing with his wife gets to the first par 3 on the course. He lines up the shot, takes a swing and slices it way right of the green — landing behind a barn!

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He walks up to his ball and sees that he doesn’t have a shot to the hole because there’s a giant barn in the way.

    His wife chimes in: “Honey, why don’t you open up the front doors of the barn, I’ll open up the back doors, you’ll have a perfectly clear shot to the hole, and you can save par!”

    It was an amazing idea.

    So they open the doors and sure enough he has a perfect shot to the hole. He lines up the shot, takes a swing, shanks it badly, the ball ricochets off the barn, hits his wife in the head and KILLS her instantly!

    Years later, after remarrying, he takes his new wife to the same course.

    When he gets to the par 3 he takes his shot, slicing the ball way right, again landing directly behind the barn! Furious with himself, he walks up to the ball and just stands over his shot.

    His new wife says, “Honey, I have an amazing idea! Why don’t you open the front doors of the barn, I will open the…”

    The husband interrupts her — “WOAH HEY WHOA WHOA WHOA, WAIT A SECOND! The last time I did that on this hole, I wound up making a triple bogey!”

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  • Breakfast Swearing Lesson

    A 7-year-old and a 4-year-old are in their bedroom.

    “You know what?” says the 7-year-old. “I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you.”

    “Okay,” replies the 4-year-old.

    In the kitchen, when the mother asks the 7-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he answers, “I’ll have Coco Pops, bitch.” WHACK! He goes flying out of his chair, crying his eyes out.

    The mother looks at the 4-year-old and sternly asks, “And what do you want?”

    “Dunno,” he replies, “but it won’t be fucking Coco Pops.”

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  • Dis-Pear

    Magician: “And for my next trick, I will disappear!”

    Magician: *holds pear*

    “You’re the worst fruit ever!”

  • For Drinking

    A drunk guy wakes up in jail and says, “Why am I here officer?”

    “For drinking,” replies the cop.

    “Great,” says the man. “When do we start?”

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  • Great Man Terrible Lifeguard

    My dad used to tell me that you can’t save anyone; they have to save themselves.

    Great man. Terrible lifeguard.

  • No Relation To Carole Baskin

    No Relation To Carole Baskin

  • Looking in Alderaan Places

    If you came here expecting me to drop some awesome Star Wars puns today…

    I’m afraid you’re looking in Alderaan places.

  • Seeing Someone on the Side

    My buddy used to date a cross-eyed girl until he found out she was seeing someone on the side.