I’m addicted to collecting Beatles Albums
It sounds like you need help
No, I already have that one
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Plant Your Potatoes, Dad
An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.
“This year I won’t be able to plant potatoes because I can’t dig the field. I know if you were here you would help me.”
The son wrote back, “Dad, don’t even think of digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole.”
Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug up by the police looking for the money, but nothing was found.
The next day the son wrote again, “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I can do from here.”
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Minty Fresh Brains
I’ve made provisions in my will to be buried with a roll of breath mints. I figure if I should somehow become part of a zombie army roaming the earth, I may want something minty fresh to take the taste of brains out of my mouth.
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The Rabbi’s Advice
A guy goes to his rabbi to ask his advice.
“Rabbi, I have a court case next week. What should I wear? Should I wear shabby clothes and hope the judge has pity on me, or should I wear my best suit, give some money to the judge and say, ‘You look after me and I’ll look after you’?”
“Well, my son. You remember how my daughter got married only last week? So, the night before, she came to me with a question: ‘What should I wear that night? The short, see-through negligee my sister gave me, or the long thick nightie mother gave me?’”
“And the answer I gave her is the answer I give you: It doesn’t matter what you wear — you’re going to get fucked.”
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Searched So Thoroughly Gold Watch
ewilliams1: They searched him so thoroughly, they found a gold watch.
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Keep People in the Dark
My friends keep asking me how I’m able to save so much on my electric bill,
but I’ll never tell because I like to keep people in the dark.
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Turn Over
So a girl is going to marry a Greek fellow. The night before the wedding, the girl’s dad takes her aside and says, “Honey, I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. If he ever asks you to turn over, you don’t have to.”
So they get married. Sure enough, about six months later, the Greek guy asks the girl to turn over.
“You know,” she says, “my dad told me I don’t have to turn over if I don’t want to.”
“Whatsa matter?” says the Greek guy. “Don’t you wanna have kids?”
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Ladder Safety Sign
I’m not sure what this sign is a safety precaution for, but I think using your feet on a ladder is a better option…
