Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump…
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Bearly A Joke: Legal Trouble in the Woods
An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.
As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and, with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer’s brother-in-law whole!
The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says, “Quick! Shoot him, but be careful—my brother-in-law’s inside his belly!”
The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.
The American falls to his knees, looks at the Canadian, and asks, “Why did you shoot the wrong bear?”
The ranger scoffs and says, “Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”
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Condom Conundrums: A Young Man’s Dilemma
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist tells him they come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which he’d like.
“Well,” the young man says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while, and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, then we’re going out afterward. I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky… and once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time. Better give me the 12-pack.”
So he buys the condoms and leaves.
Later that evening, he’s sitting at dinner with the girl and her parents. He asks if he can say the blessing, and they agree.
He starts praying… and keeps praying… and praying… for several minutes.
Finally, the girl leans over and whispers, “You never told me you were such a religious person.”
He whispers back,
“You never told me your father was a pharmacist.”
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They’re calling it PaPal
Did you hear the Vatican is releasing an online payment system to absolve you of your sins?
They’re calling it PaPal. -
Refrain from dribbling again
My boss said he couldn’t talk because he was traveling.
I told him he probably needs to shoot or pass, and refrain from dribbling again.
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Priorities: Lawyering vs. Giving Back
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um… no.”
“—or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.
“—or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
The lawyer cut him off once again: “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
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I didn’t know she sold flowers
My girlfriend asked why I never buy her flowers.
I told her I didn’t know she sold flowers.
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Now it’s a Ford Focus
I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiesta’s gas tank…
Now it’s a Ford Focus.
