I look to nature to find which diets actually work. I suggest the squirrel diet, because you almost never see a fat squirrel. It’s easy: Just lose 99 percent of the food you hid around the house.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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When I turned 40, I decided to clean up my act and gave up drinking and smoking.
When I turned 40, I decided to clean up my act and gave up drinking and smoking. Man, it was tough — there’s no way I’d have gotten through that period without my heroin.
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I don’t think it’s right to accuse me of lacking confidence just because I walk eight
I don’t think it’s right to accuse me of lacking confidence just because I walk eight batters to get to the opposing pitcher.
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You reach my age and you start to believe your chance to be cool has passed you by.
You reach my age and you start to believe your chance to be cool has passed you by. Then you see some guy in a tattered overcoat washing car windows for change and you think, “Hey, I could do that!”
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Live each moment as if it were your last.
Live each moment as if it were your last. Life becomes more enjoyable if you think you’re about to die.
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This time of year, the frost on the ground and the chill in the air fill me with energy
This time of year, the frost on the ground and the chill in the air fill me with energy and goodwill. They also fill me with thankfulness that I don’t have any nipple jewelry.
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As I lay face-down and naked, tied up on the railroad tracks, with the honey poured over
As I lay face-down and naked, tied up on the railroad tracks, with the honey poured over my buttcrack starting to attract ants and bees, I began to wonder what exactly is so great about playing Truth or Dare.
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If Earth is really just a grain of sand in the universe, I’ll bet we’re stuck in God’s
If Earth is really just a grain of sand in the universe, I’ll bet we’re stuck in God’s Speedo and we’re driving him nuts.
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You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out.
You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out. You put your right hand in and shake it all about. Good for doing the hokey pokey; not so much for trying to figure out why your wood chipper stalled.
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This customer service job would be a breeze if it weren’t for all these whiny, pushy,
This customer service job would be a breeze if it weren’t for all these whiny, pushy, complaining, help-me-now customers.
