I recently attended a magic show in Mexico…
The magician said, “Uno, dos,” and then vanished without a tres.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Now I’m a Registered Sex Offender
My doctor told me I could have a stroke at any time.
Now I’m a registered sex offender.
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Quit While He Was a Head
A baby is born but he doesn’t have a body.
He’s only a head. They called him Steven. Steven was a happy child and he lived as normal a life as you could under those circumstances. Finally when he reached 21 his dad said, “Come on son we’re going to have a drink to celebrate your birthday.”
He put the head on the counter and he ordered two pints of Guinness. He said cheers and he poured a sip into his son’s mouth. To everyone’s surprise, a neck and shoulders popped out like balloons. With tears of joy, the dad gave him another sip, and pop! Two arms came out of the shoulders! The dad gave him a third sip, and pop! He grew a torso! And he gave him a fourth sip and pop! He grew legs! They had to get out of there to get him some clothes because he never had any before. His dad helped him to the door because he was unsteady on his feet because they were new and because of the drink.
He stumbled into the street and got hit by a car, instantly killing him.
The bartender said, “Poor guy. He should have quit while he was a head.”
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No Internet in the Confession Box
A man enters a confession box at late night.
“Father, I’ve sinned. I watch pornography 12 hours a day.”
The priest asks, “12 hours? How is that even possible?”
The man says, “Easy. Four hours in the morning, four in the evening, four at night.”
The priest asks, “Did you watch 12 hours today too?”
The man replies, “No, only 11 hours and 55 minutes.”
The priest asks, “Why is that?”
The man replies, “Because there is no Internet in the confession box.”
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What Happened in Agua Fria
A gunslinger walks into a saloon and yells…
“…which one of you lily-livered, yellow-bellied, flea-bitten curs stole my horse!?”
The room is silent.
The gunslinger continues. “Alright! Here’s what’s going to happen! I’m going to buy a beer, drink it, and then I’m going back outside! And if my horse isn’t there, I’m going to have to do here what I did in Agua Fria! I don’t want to, but if I don’t get my horse back… you aren’t really giving me much of a choice!”
The gunslinger gets his beer, drinks it, and walks outside, only to find his horse at the watering trough. As he gets into the saddle, the bartender comes out and nervously asks: “So… what did you do in Agua Fria?”
“Walked out of town and never went back.”
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Five Loaves of Rye Bread
Two old friends, Earl (80) and Frank (87), were sitting on a park bench one morning.
Frank had just finished his morning walk around the park and didn’t even look winded.
Earl was amazed and asked, “Frank, how do you have so much energy at your age?”
Frank grinned and said, “Simple… I eat rye bread every single day.”
“It keeps your energy up and gives you great stamina with the ladies.”
On his way home, Earl stopped by the local bakery.
The young woman behind the counter asked, “Can I help you, sir?”
Earl said, “Yes ma’am… do you sell rye bread?”
“Of course we do,” she replied. “How many loaves would you like?”
Earl thought for a moment and said, “Better make it five loaves.”
The baker looked surprised and said, “Five loaves? By the time you get to the third one, it’ll be hard.”
Earl muttered under his breath, “Well I’ll be… I can’t believe everybody already knows about this.”
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Results in Heaven
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates.
St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher.
St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”
The preacher is shocked and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:
“This is Heaven, and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”
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They Both Come in Olive Oil
What does Popeye and a can of sardines have in common?
They both come in olive oil.
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It’s Up a Fairway
A guy came to the doctor, asking if he could help get a golf ball out of his ass.
“I don’t think I can. It’s up a fairway.”
