You know something’s fundamentally out-of-whack with the economy when you have to use your Economic Stimulus rebate check to pay your bankruptcy lawyer.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
I told him that it wasn’t working out because we’re just apples and oranges.
I told him that it wasn’t working out because we’re just apples and oranges. Of course, I’m the sweet, sun-ripened, kissed-by-God-Himself orange and he’s the rotten, fly-infested apple that’s stuck to the bottom of my wastebasket because he was “too busy” to put a new bag in it.
-
If we would just lose the war on drugs, I’m certain we could win the war on terror.
If we would just lose the war on drugs, I’m certain we could win the war on terror.
-
People label me as a narcissist because I go to the gym and tanning salon every day, but
People label me as a narcissist because I go to the gym and tanning salon every day, but mark my words: They’ll be jealous when we’re all stranded on an isolated mountaintop and leathery-and-tough-meated Brad is viewed as the last one anyone would pick for eating.
-
I was just hired at the CDC as their new STD Name Consultant, which means whenever a new
I was just hired at the CDC as their new STD Name Consultant, which means whenever a new STD is discovered, I get to name it. And now it’s payback time to all of you girls who wouldn’t date me in high school.
-
There I was, naked, trembling with anticipation, hoping she would finally say the words
There I was, naked, trembling with anticipation, hoping she would finally say the words I’ve waited a lifetime to hear. Unfortunately, “Step away from the vehicle with your hands up!” wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.
-
The ceramic duck stared at me, and I stared back: an insurmountable standoff.
The ceramic duck stared at me, and I stared back: an insurmountable standoff. Eventually my buzz would wear off, and the duck would learn the true meaning of “garage sale.”
-
The last time I needed a cavity filled I tried one of those new places where the whole
The last time I needed a cavity filled I tried one of those new places where the whole time the guy’s working on you he spouts language inciting rebellion against the authority of the state. You know, sedition dentistry.
-
If I lived in the land of the blind, I’d tell everyone I had one eye, even if I didn’t.
If I lived in the land of the blind, I’d tell everyone I had one eye, even if I didn’t. I mean, who’s gonna know, right? And just like that — free kingdom!
-
Sometimes I wish I was a woman, because I bet “The Woman With Testicles” could make a
Sometimes I wish I was a woman, because I bet “The Woman With Testicles” could make a lot of money on the sideshow circuit.
