I’ve just been pulled over by a police officer. He saw my license and said I’m supposed to be wearing glasses. I said I have contacts.
He said he didn’t care who I knew.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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You Guys Have No Life
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow, you guys have no life.
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It Was Actually Salsa
I thought the audience was throwing tomato sauce at the tango dancer, but it was actually salsa.
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Still Wouldn’t Tell Me Why It Crossed the Road
I grilled a chicken for two hours…
Still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.
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The Lesser of Two Evils
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his “better half.”
I returned the courtesy and introduced my wife as the “lesser of two evils.”
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Perfect Eyesight on the Golf Course
Jimmy is a 78-year-old retiree who has played golf every day for nearly 20 years. He arrives home from the course and he’s quite dejected. He tells his bride that he’s gonna hang up the sticks as he can no longer see his ball after he takes a swing, and it really makes him upset!
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good,” sighs the dejected retiree, “your brother is 85 years old! He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the patient wife, “but his eyesight is nearly perfect.”
So the next day Jimmy heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees it up on the first hole, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway, and immediately asks the brother-in-law, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Jimmy asks.
“I don’t remember.”
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The Pastor and the Post Office
A delightful angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies’ room of the gas station…
As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It’s on the left.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re kidding me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office.”
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Retirement Benefits Without ID
Yesterday, I went to apply for retirement benefits but forgot my wallet. The clerk said, “Just unbutton your shirt.”
I showed my gray chest hair. She said, “That’ll do,” and processed everything.
When I told my wife, she said, “You should’ve dropped your pants, maybe you’d qualify for disability too.”
