I wish they’d taught abstinence back when I was in school. I was so good at not getting laid back then, I would have screwed up the grading curve for the rest of the class.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man with only one leg at an ass-kicking
I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man with only one leg at an ass-kicking contest.
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It’s not a loophole — it’s a policy flexibility assurance aperture.
It’s not a loophole — it’s a policy flexibility assurance aperture.
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When I went to leave my house today, there were so many birds outside that it was really
When I went to leave my house today, there were so many birds outside that it was really scary, like an Alfred Hitchcock movie. I can’t think of which one, though.
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I think it would be cool if they came out with an “Extreme Wonderbra,” where guys would
I think it would be cool if they came out with an “Extreme Wonderbra,” where guys would never know beforehand what was behind it — like a wolverine or a pizza.
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When I was a little kid we had a hamster.
When I was a little kid we had a hamster. One day the hamster ate its newborn babies. That was pretty gross, so we decided to just go ahead and get rid of it. We took it down the road and left it to fend for itself. It was a great lesson for a kid to learn, because I knew what to do 12 years later when the exact same thing happened with my sister.
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Behind every successful man is a strong woman, except for the man who invented that
Behind every successful man is a strong woman, except for the man who invented that talking sex robot.
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If you’re flying somewhere, don’t even think about sitting next to the pilot.
If you’re flying somewhere, don’t even think about sitting next to the pilot. Not only is that seat reserved for the co-pilot, but yelling “Shotgun!” in an airport pretty much guarantees they’re not going to let you on the plane.
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We all have regrets from time to time.
We all have regrets from time to time. I’m sure one day I’ll be lying on my deathbed wishing that I had just spent the extra money to get some other, better kind of bed.
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If you’re ever invited to a NAMBLA Halloween party, a good idea for a costume would be
If you’re ever invited to a NAMBLA Halloween party, a good idea for a costume would be to go as Dateline NBC’s Chris Hanson.
