Grabbed something off the candy rack buying just condoms. In retrospect, Gobstoppers wasn’t the best choice.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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My Shit Doesn’t Stink
The doctor asks the man, “What seems to be the problem, sir?”
The man says, “Well doc, this is gonna sound a little weird. I wasn’t even sure if I should come to you about it, but you know what they say, better safe than sorry!”
The doctor says, “I’ve heard everything there is. Out with it, man, what seems to be the problem?”
The man says, “Well doc, here’s the thing. My shit doesn’t stink anymore.”
“Your shit doesn’t stink anymore?” the doctor repeats back as a question.
“Yes sir. I noticed it a month ago in late April. I was sitting down for my regular morning shit. Everything went well — firm, good size, came right out nice and smooth — and that’s when I noticed. No smell! Not a damn thing! I’ve just been wondering if something might be wrong,” the man explains.
The doctor furrows his brow. “That is indeed puzzling, sir. It says here you’re not married. And you live alone?”
“Just me and my dog,” the man replies.
The doctor scribbles two prescriptions and hands them to the man. “Take one of each, once a day for two weeks and come back to me.”
The man comes back two weeks later. Now he’s angry. His face is red as he grumpily explains, “Doc, I don’t know what you gave me, but ooh boy does my shit stink! I think you might have made things worse! I’m gagging in the bathroom! I can barely stand to be in the room with my own stink now! What in the hell did you give me?”
The doctor replies, “Nasal decongestant and antihistamine.”
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Gotta Hand It to Her
My blind doctor is incredible at solving erectile dysfunctions.
Gotta hand it to her.
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Is That All You People Think About?
Two Jews are walking down the street when they come upon a Christian church with a sign: “Come in! Convert to Christianity and receive $100!”
One Jew says to the other, “I’m going in to see if getting $100 is this easy!”
When he returns, he’s wearing a necklace with a cross. His friend points at the cross and says, “What’s that? Did you really convert?!”
“Yes, I did. I’m now Christian.”
“Well, did you get the $100?”
“Is that all you people think about?”
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Sweet Car Online
I just heard that Neil Diamond has sold his car on eBay…
It’s a sweet car online.
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A Count or a Cunt
A kid went away to college and grew a goatee, and was very proud of it. He took a selfie and sent it to his dad with a note:
“This makes me look rather like a count, does it not?”
Dad turns to mom and says, “Kid’s grown a beard, but still can’t spell.”
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Not What It Looks Like
So a girl walks in and catches her boyfriend masturbating to an optical illusion. “What the hell are you doing?” she screams.
And he says, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like.”
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Wrong on So Many Levels
Did you hear about the elevator operator that kept making mistakes?
He was wrong on so many levels.
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The Skyscraper
A country guy visits New York City for the first time. He’s staring up at a tall skyscraper, quietly counting the floors.
A New Yorker notices and says, “Hey, buddy — around here, it’s a dollar for every floor you count.”
The country guy nods.
After a moment, the New Yorker asks, “So, how many floors did you count?”
“Ten,” the country guy says, handing over $10.
The New Yorker smirks and walks off.
A moment later, the country guy chuckles to himself and says, “Joke’s on him… I counted twenty.”
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A Brief Job
I worked as an underwear model…
It was just a brief job.
