Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Everything Is Big in Texas

    A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

    “Everything is big in Texas,” says the bellhop.

    The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow, these drinks are big!”

    The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

    After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.

    The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!”

  • Ketchup with old friends again

    I just got back from the annual Condiment Convention.

    It was nice to ketchup with old friends again.

  • The Times are rough

    I’ve run out of toilet paper, so I’ve started using old newspaper…
    The Times are rough.

  • Ancient grease

    An archaeologist found a 2,000-year-old oil stain.
    Ancient grease.

  • It means a lot to you

    To all my Spanish-speaking friends out there, I just want to say “mucho”…
    …because I know it means a lot to you.

  • Law School

    It turns out law school is a lot like elementary school. They assign you a locker, you meet new friends, and pulling the cute redhead’s pigtails still isn’t as good an idea as you think it is.

  • Just a shot in the dark

    I was trying to get romantic with the new nurse at my doctor’s office, so I asked her to dim the lights before she gave me the tetanus booster.
    I guess it was just a shot in the dark.

  • That guy from You’re So Vain

    You know, someone should introduce that woman from “Killing Me Softly,” who thinks the guy is singing about her, to that guy from “You’re So Vain.”

  • Al Roker

    Should NBC be concerned? They keep getting communications that affect the weather from some rogue terrorist group called “Al Roker.”

  • You never leave fingerprints behind

    The only thing I like about winter is that you wear gloves so much you never leave fingerprints behind.