What’s the difference between Jesus and a frame of Jesus?
You can hang the frame with only one nail.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Same Name
I should be happy because I have a new girlfriend. The problem is she has the same name as my sister. So every time we have sex now…
…all I think about is my new girlfriend.
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The Golfing Widower
Jim and Bob are golfing together on a Sunday morning. They’re both on the green, which is near a county highway.
As Jim lines up his putt, a funeral procession goes by on the highway. Jim immediately stops, takes off his hat and bows his head.
Bob is impressed. “Wow, Jim. That’s really a profound sign of respect. I’m impressed.”
Jim answers, “Well, Bob. We were married for 41 years. It’s the least I could do.”
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My frog impression
I’ll never forget what my granddad said to me before he croaked.
He said, “Hey kid, wanna hear my frog impression?” -
The Top 11 Celebrity Secret Santa Gifts
11. J.J. Abrams — money silos to store all the coin Disney will throw at him to direct a future “Star Wars” movie
10. Tom Brady — a pressure cooker
9. Tom Brady — Federal Reserve action to prevent deflation
8. Bernie Sanders — combo campaign/get off my lawn signs
7. North West — witnessing a horrible crime so Witness Protection can change her name and reassign her to a nice, suburban, middle-class family from the Kansas City area
6. Jim Gilmore — a mirror, so someone would see him
5. Renée Zellweger — her old face back
4. Ben Carson — a good campaign surgeon
3. Gwyneth Paltrow — a steam cleaner
2. Reince Priebus — balls
1. Miss Piggy — a dry rub
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4 Tips for Guys for Successful Relationships
1. It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.
2. It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.
3. It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickness and in health.
4. It’s absolutely fucking vital that these three women do not know each other.
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Don’t Deep Throat So Far Then
Philip: Gay men make me puke
Rubberbandits: Don’t deep throat so far then.
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Illegal to Own a Christian
PATHEOS.COM
Study finds atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians
Robert Noble: This article is stupid. Besides not knowing how to feed and care for them, it’s illegal to own a Christian, let alone buy and sell them.
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The Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man had to take a sperm count for his physical exam. The doctor gave him a jar and said, “Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow.” The next day, the man returned to the office and handed him the jar, which was as clean and empty as the day before.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
“Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left, still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left — nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then the teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too — first with both hands, then an armpit, she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees — but still nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open!”
