Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • My family finding that

    If I die right now, my last Google search will be “carry testicles in milk crate,” so I look forward to my family finding that.

  • The Top 17 Rejected Titles for the Fifty Shades of Grey Movie

    17. There’s Something About Tying Up and Whipping Mary

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    16. Boundhog Day

    15. Prince of Tied

    14. Binding Nemo

    13. Cloudy with a Chance of Beat Balls

    12. Meet the Floggers

    11. Back Side Story

    10. The Hurt Licker

    9. L*A*S*H

    8. Rear Ender’s Game

    7. 12 Angry Men and a Coed with Daddy Issues

    6. 13 Years a Sex Slave

    5. Lock, Stock, Cuffs, Shackles, Chains, Restraints, Ball Gags and Two Smoking Barrels

    4. Blazing Paddles

    3. Thor All Over

    2. Dude, Where’s Your Fist?

    1. Whip. Lash.

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  • Pepper

    A woman is waiting in line at a grocery store. The woman in front of her keeps sneezing and letting out a loud moan after each one. Woman #1 asks her if she’s okay. Woman #2 says, “I have this condition — every time I sneeze, I have an intense orgasm.”

    Woman #1 asks if she takes anything for it…

    Woman #2 sneezes again and moans out the word, “PEPPER!”

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  • It’s Usually the Mother, Not the Father

    My wife was in labor when the nurse said it was time to push.

    She gave it everything she had until a fart, which from the sound and stench had obviously followed through, escaped.

    She was mortified.

    “Don’t worry,” I said, patting her head. “I’ve heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth. Isn’t that right, nurse?”

    “Yes,” said the nurse, gagging, “but it’s usually the mother, not the father!”

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  • Other words and phrases

    I bought a pen that can write under water…
    It can also write other words and phrases.

  • Not Much These Days

    A clown walks into a bar.

    His demeanor is awful. He asks the bartender for a shot, but says he won’t be able to pay for it.

    The bartender takes one look at him and decides he needs it.

    “Sure, buddy. You look awful. Wanna talk about it?”

    The clown downs the shot and says, “My God. Today is the worst day of my life. I’m in town for a comedy show, but my joke gopher was stolen, the show was canceled, my hotel reservation was canceled because of the show, and my bank accounts have been frozen!”

    He slumps in his seat and shakes his head.

    The bartender pours him another shot.

    “Wow, that’s a really awful day. I’m sorry, but what’s a joke gopher?”

    The clown shakes his head again.

    “Not much these days, or I wouldn’t be begging for drinks.”

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  • Rose, What Was the Name of the Restaurant?

    Two older gentlemen are chatting after dinner while their wives are in the kitchen.

    “We had a lovely meal at that new restaurant in town the other night,” said one to the other.

    “That’s nice,” said his friend. “What was the name of the restaurant?”

    “Oh, what’s the name of the lovely scented flower that grows on a thorny plant?”

    “Rose?” replied the friend.

    “That’s it.” Then, turning toward the kitchen, the gentleman called out, “Rose, what was the name of the restaurant the other night?”

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  • The Vegas Prostitute

    A man is walking the Las Vegas strip and runs into the most beautiful woman he has ever met. He starts talking to her, and to his luck, he finds out she is a prostitute. So he asks her,

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “How much for a hand job?”

    “$5,000,” she replies.

    “$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way.”

    “Walk with me,” she replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment, ending up in front of a restaurant. “You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs.”

    He ponders for a moment. “Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright.” He brings her back to his hotel room, gets the hand job, and as advertised — it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks, “Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?”

    “$15,000,” she replies.

    “$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!” he shouts.

    “Come to the window.” They walk to the window and she begins to point. “You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs.”

    “Fine, how can I say no?”

    Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. “Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?”

    “Come to the window.” He follows her to the window, ready for anything. “Do you see all of Las Vegas?” she asks.

    “No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!” he exclaims, astounded.

    “No…” she looks down. “But I would if I had a pussy…”

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  • Stress Relief

    Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

    She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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