Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Im William the Little Bastards Name Is Kevin

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”

    Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

    At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”

    Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

    “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

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  • The Babysitter Has a Sponge Too

    A little boy is in the shower with his mom.

    “Mom, what’s that hairy thing in between your legs?”

    She says, “That? Oh, that’s my sponge.”

    Boy goes, “Ohhh okay, makes sense.”

    He pauses and smiles, “Yeah, the babysitter has one too.”

    Mom freezes. “Oh really?”

    Boy: “Yep. I’ve seen her using it to wash Dad’s face.”

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  • Not Remotely Funny

    I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed.

    It turns out I’m not remotely funny.

  • It Depends on Whos in the Will

    Why do baby diapers have names like “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”?

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!

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  • Wheres the Girl With the Rotten Tooth

    A retired salesman named Pete gets stranded after his fishing boat capsizes in the Pacific.

    After wandering for days, he stumbles onto a small island community whose longtime mayor has just passed away.

    The town’s old preacher tells Pete that since he’s the first newcomer they’ve seen in years, he has to pass three challenges to be accepted as the new leader.

    “Alright,” Pete says, brushing off his shirt, “just tell me what I’ve gotta do.”

    The preacher walks him over to three little beach shacks and explains the rules.

    “In the first shack, there are ten gallons of our homemade moonshine, and you have to drink every drop.”

    “In the second shack, there’s a mean old gator with a rotten tooth, and you have to pull it out.”

    “In the third shack, there’s the former mayor’s daughter, and you have to satisfy her completely.”

    Pete nods and heads straight into the first shack.

    Three hours later, he staggers out, swaying like a palm tree in a hurricane, and marches toward the second shack.

    The preacher asks if he’d like to lie down for a spell, but Pete waves him off and disappears inside.

    After a long stretch of growling, crashing, and splashing, Pete finally stumbles back out, scratched up, muddy, and bleeding.

    He squints at the preacher and slurs, “Alright… now where’s the girl with the rotten tooth?”

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  • But Your Client Didnt

    A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.

    There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

    In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

    “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

    He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

    A minute passed. Nothing happened.

    Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

    The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.

    A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

    “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

    Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

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  • Bald Bitches

    Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.

    Husband: Okay?

    Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.

    Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?

    Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.

    Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.

    Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.

    Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

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  • I Think the Postman Wants to Buy Mom

    Little Johnny: Dad, why are you running your hands up and down the horse’s legs, and rump and chest?

    Dad: Because when I’m buying a horse, I have to make sure it’s healthy and in good shape.

    Little Johnny: Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom…

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  • The Jumping Table

    A man walked into a small-town antique store looking for a dining table.

    Right away, he spotted the perfect one and asked the owner how much it cost.

    “Two thousand dollars,” the owner said.

    “Two thousand? That’s outrageous!” the man replied.

    “Normally I’d agree,” said the owner, “but this isn’t an ordinary table. It has special powers.”

    “Special powers? Prove it,” the man said.

    The owner leaned over the table and asked, “How many floors are in this building?”

    The table suddenly hopped into the air four times.

    And sure enough, there were four floors.

    The man raised an eyebrow.

    “Alright,” he said, “ask it how much cash I’ve got in my wallet.”

    The owner asked the question.

    The table jumped eleven times.

    “That’s amazing!” the man said. “I’ve got two five-dollar bills and a single. That’s eleven dollars exactly. I’ll take it.”

    He paid the two thousand dollars, and the table was delivered the next day.

    While it was being set up, his buddy stopped by to see the new purchase.

    “It’s not just a table,” the man said proudly. “Watch this.”

    He cleared his throat and asked, “How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”

    The table went wild.

    It started bouncing up and down nonstop.

    Five minutes passed.

    Then ten.

    It was still going.

    The man stared in disbelief.

    “How on earth does she have that much money?” he muttered.

    Suddenly, the table gave one last violent jump.

    Its legs split apart.

    And the drawers dropped straight to the floor.

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  • Bridge Out

    A priest and pastor are standing on the side of the road. They are holding a sign that reads, “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

    A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” And speeds past them.

    From around the corner they can hear screeching tires — then a big splash.

    The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put a sign up that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

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