Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • While He Drove People Prayed

    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

    Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

    The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

    St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

    He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

    St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

    “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

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  • Would You Mind Getting Off Me

    A woman asks her husband at breakfast, “Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?”

    He declines. “Thanks for asking, but I’m not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

    At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?”

    He declines. “The Viagra,” he says. “It’s really spoiled my need for food.”

    At dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. “Would you like a juicy rib-eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir-fry?” He declines again. “No,” he says, “it’s got to be the Viagra. I’m still not hungry.”

    “Well,” she says, “would you mind getting off me? I’m starving.”

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  • Is a Finger in the Ass Really Necessary

    We have X-rays to see bones, ultrasounds to see babies, and an MRI to see the brain.

    Is a finger in the ass really necessary for a prostate exam?

  • Jill Painted Her Nails Purple and Bob Has a Pecker

    I used to date a girl who had a twin. People always asked me how I could tell them apart.

    It was easy.

    Jill painted her nails purple and Bob has a pecker.

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  • Theyre Having a Yard Sale

    One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time, my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

    “Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?”

    “Yes,” she said. “They’re retired prostitutes — they’re having a yard sale.”

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  • Two Cups of Coffee and an Ice Cream

    Mick is out around town doing a bit of shopping, in one particular store he spots something shiny behind the counter and says to the assistant, “What’s that thing there?”

    “It’s a thermos flask,” says the assistant.

    “What does it do?” Mick asks.

    “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, sir,” she replies.

    Mick buys the thermos flask and takes it to work the next day. At lunch time he sits down and takes it out of his rucksack.

    “What’s that thing?” Paddy asks.

    “It’s a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,” Mick says.

    “Is that so? What’ve you got in it?” asks Paddy.

    Mick says, “Two cups of coffee and an ice cream.”

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  • Virgil Won

    Two old brothers — Hank and Earl — had a lifelong rivalry going with their neighbour Virgil, all three of them living in the same remote corner of northern Montana, where winters were the kind of cold that made your eyebrows hurt.

    One February evening, the three of them were nursing drinks at the only bar in town, and the argument that started every year around this time broke out again.

    “Boys,” said Hank, “I’m telling you right now — my place is the coldest in the county.”

    “Ha,” said Earl. “You’ve never even spent a night in my cabin.”

    Virgil just smiled into his glass and said nothing, which irritated the other two more than any boast could.

    They agreed to end the argument once and for all. First stop was Hank’s place.

    He led them to the porch, filled a tin cup with water from the tap, and flung it into the air. It hit the ground as a solid disc of ice.

    “Not bad,” said Virgil. “Not bad at all.”

    Earl just raised an eyebrow.

    Over at Earl’s cabin, he stood in the doorway, drew a long slow breath, and let it out. The exhale left his mouth as a mist — and then clattered to the floor in a tiny frozen clump.

    “Alright,” Hank admitted. “That’s cold.”

    But Virgil still hadn’t said a word.

    When they reached Virgil’s cabin, he didn’t take them to the porch or the doorway. He took them straight to the bedroom.

    He pulled back the blankets on the bed and carefully lifted something out — a small, perfectly round ball of ice. He carried it to the kitchen, set it on a spoon, and held a lit match beneath it.

    The three of them stood in silence, watching it slowly thaw.

    And then, the moment it softened just enough —

    “FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”

    Virgil won.

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  • Weekly Overload Recreational Killer

    A highly dangerous virus called “Weekly Overload Recreational Killer” (WORK) is currently going around.

    If you come into contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest “Biological Anxiety Relief” (BAR) center to take the antidotes known as “Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract” (WINE), “Radioactive UnWork Medicine” (RUM), “Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter” (BEER), or “Vaccine Official Depression Killing Antigen” (VODKA).

    Stay alert and warn your friends.

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  • The Catholic Type the Salvation Army Type and the Baptist Type

    A man walked into the ladies section of a department store.

    He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

    “What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

    “Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?”

    “Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material.

    “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only 3 types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.

    Confused, the man asked, “What are the 3 types?”

    The saleslady replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

    Still confused, the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”

    The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple… The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

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  • Where Are You Going to Get a Lawyer

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

    After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

    God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

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