When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you shit, flambe that bad boy in a paper bag and leave it on life’s doorstep. That’ll teach the arrogant asshole.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Some stupid women pay a small fortune to get their lips puffed up by cosmetic surgeons.
Some stupid women pay a small fortune to get their lips puffed up by cosmetic surgeons. I’ve found you can get the same effect for free just by using a few well-chosen racial slurs on the subway at rush hour.
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“Give me freedom or give me death!”
“Give me freedom or give me death!” could possibly result in you getting death, so I invented a safer version. I approach a group of women and cry, “Give me freedom or give me sex!” Guaranteed freedom — albeit with some restrictions in the restraining order.
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I need to either stop dreaming of being a train conductor or stop drinking so much.
I need to either stop dreaming of being a train conductor or stop drinking so much. I passed out at a party last night right after yelling “All aboard!” and the ride in my dreams got pretty bumpy.
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Do not forget that the sun delights to touch your face, and the breeze to softly caress
Do not forget that the sun delights to touch your face, and the breeze to softly caress your skin. That way you won’t get totally creeped out if this happens.
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I tell people that the reason I’m packing away so much food is that I’m eating for two.
I tell people that the reason I’m packing away so much food is that I’m eating for two. I’m not pregnant or anything, but I do have this “Buy 1 Entree, Get 1 Free” coupon.
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Not to blame the victim, but let’s be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires
Not to blame the victim, but let’s be honest: Most people who get bitten by vampires were probably going to end up selling their blood down at the local clinic anyway.
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Our baby daughter always fights being laid into bed.
Our baby daughter always fights being laid into bed. Sure, it can be pretty annoying now, but I hope it takes at least 18 more years for her to outgrow it.
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Be careful when you hyperbolically joke that you’ve got something “up the wazoo,”
Be careful when you hyperbolically joke that you’ve got something “up the wazoo,” because sometimes those TSA agents won’t stop until they’ve found it.
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My girlfriend gave me a musical condom that plays a piccolo minuet.
My girlfriend gave me a musical condom that plays a piccolo minuet. I think she’s trying to tell me something.
