An elderly woman is speeding down the highway when she sees a policeman with a radar gun. The policeman signals her to pull over, then walks up to her and asks with a smile, “What’s your hurry?”
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Unleash ChaosTone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed
A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:
Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”
Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”
Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”
Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”
Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”
Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”
Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”
Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”
Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”
Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”
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Does It Hurt as Much as Tennis Elbow
A man got on the train with both front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept staring at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after several curious glances, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
She kept looking, thinking hard, then finally asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
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I Remembered Where I Left My Bike
A young assistant pastor went to the head preacher and said, “Pastor, I’ve got a bit of a situation. My bike’s been stolen.”
“I just moved to this small town and don’t want to start off by calling the police. If I knew who took it, I’d quietly ask for it back, but half the folks in church love a good prank and I don’t want to accuse the wrong one.”
The preacher smiled and said, “This Sunday, preach on the Ten Commandments.”
“When you get to ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal,’ scan the pews and watch for a guilty face. After the service, have a friendly chat with whoever looks nervous.”
That afternoon, the preacher saw the young pastor riding his bike down Main Street. He waved him over and said, “Well, I see you got it back!”
“Did my advice do the trick? Was it hard convincing the guilty party?”
The young pastor shook his head and laughed. “No sir, didn’t need to.”
“I was halfway through the Ten Commandments, but when I got to ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,’ I suddenly remembered where I left my bike!”
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To Get More Chalk
Mike told Sarah he had the strangest dream last night.
She asked what happened.
He said he died and was walking up this huge staircase to heaven.
She replied, “Okay… that’s already intense.”
He continued that at the bottom they handed him a piece of chalk.
Sarah asked, “Chalk? For what?”
Mike explained they said, “Mark a step for every sin you’ve committed.”
She said, “Wow… that’s terrifying.”
He replied, “Yeah… I only got a few steps up…”
She asked, “And then?”
Mike said, “Then I saw you… running down the stairs.”
Sarah exclaimed, “WHAT?! Why was I going down?!”
Mike answered, “…to get more chalk.”
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The Egg Timers Broken
This morning my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose a moment, I didn’t waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, “Thanks!” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”
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The Pastor Under the Bed
A young doctor moves to a small community to replace an older doctor who is retiring.
The older doctor suggests that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds so the community can get used to the new doctor.
At the first house, a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on how much you’re eating and see if that helps.”
As they leave, the younger doctor says, “You didn’t even examine her! How did you come to that diagnosis so quickly?”
“Ah,” the older doctor replies. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope? When I bent down to pick it up, I saw a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That’s probably what’s been making her sick.”
“Pretty clever,” the younger doctor says. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
At the next stop, they visit a younger woman who says she’s been feeling terribly run-down and just doesn’t have the energy she used to.
The young doctor nods and says, “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church. You should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they leave, the older doctor says, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is probably right, she’s very active in the church. But how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did,” the young doctor says. “I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down to pick it up, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”
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Deepest Condolences
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter constantly called her, urging her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Anna said she’d go out but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet.”
It was an immediate hit. They took to each other, and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, they undressed. She stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit.
Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?”
She replied, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”
He knew he wasn’t getting lucky that night.
The following night was the same. She stood there wearing the black lacy panties, and he was in his birthday suit. But now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, “What’s with the black condom?”
He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
