Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • A Royal Flush Beats a Pair

    Dolly Parton and King Charles happened to arrive at the Pearly Gates on the very same day.

    They were greeted by an angel who explained that, due to a paperwork mix-up, there was only one opening available in Heaven that afternoon.

    “I’m afraid I’ll have to decide which one of you gets in,” the angel said.

    The angel turned to Dolly and asked if there was any special reason she should be admitted.

    Dolly smiled, took off her top and said, “Look at these, they’re two of God’s most perfect creations and I’m sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

    The angel thanked her politely and then asked King Charles the same question.

    Without saying a word, the King walked over to a nearby restroom, pressed the handle, and flushed the toilet.

    The angel immediately turned and said, “Your Majesty, welcome to Heaven.”

    Dolly stared in disbelief and said, “Hold on just a minute. I showed you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turned me down, and he just flushed a toilet. How does that make sense?”

    The angel shrugged and replied, “Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair every time.”

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  • We Don’t Serve Food Here

    A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a drink…

    The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

  • Couldnt Walk for a Year

    Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room…

    The first kid asks, “What are you in here for?”

    The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

    The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

    The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

    The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

    And the second kid says, “Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born and couldn’t walk for a year.”

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  • I Could See Myself Working There

    They’re building a mirror factory in my town.

    I could see myself working there.

  • A Hundred Dollar Bill

    Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.”

    “A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”

    “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly.

    “What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain. “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”

    “Well,” Larry replied, “for one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime.”

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  • The Wrong Approach

    Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine, and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

    His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt, and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ … and she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”

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  • Taking Steps to Avoid Them

    I’m scared of elevators…

    So I’m taking steps to avoid them.

  • On Your Garden Swing

    A husband and wife are asleep when someone starts banging on the front door in the middle of the night.

    The man checks the bedside clock. It is 3:00 a.m.

    “No chance I’m getting up now,” he mutters, turning over.

    A moment later, the knocking comes again, even louder.

    His wife nudges him. “Are you seriously not going to see who it is?”

    Grumbling, he climbs out of bed, stumbles downstairs, and opens the door. Outside stands a stranger, clearly very drunk.

    The man at the door squints at him and says, “Sorry to bother you… could you give me a shove?”

    “Absolutely not. It’s three in the morning,” the husband snaps, and shuts the door.

    Back upstairs, he climbs into bed and tells his wife what happened.

    She frowns. “That was unkind. Do you remember when our car died in the rain and you had to knock on someone’s door for help? Imagine if they had turned you away.”

    “He was drunk,” the husband says.

    “So what?” she replies. “He still needed help. Go help him.”

    Feeling guilty, the husband gets dressed, heads back downstairs, and opens the front door. He cannot see anyone in the dark, so he calls out:

    “Hey! Do you still need a push?”

    From somewhere outside comes the answer:

    “Yes, please!”

    The husband looks around and shouts, “Where are you?”

    A voice calls back:

    “Over here… on your garden swing!”

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  • It Was an Estimate

    Bob the Builder walks up to a girl in a nightclub and says, “I have an 8 inch dick, and I can shag all night!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    After a few drinks, she takes Bob home with her.

    The next morning, she says, “You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night! Instead, you have a 5 inch dick and lasted three minutes!”

    Bob replies, “I’m a builder, love. It was an estimate.”

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  • Thats a Hard One

    Three nuns die and all go to Heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter appears.

    “I will ask each of you one question,” he says. “You must answer correctly the first time, and you will be granted access to Heaven.”

    Of course, they are all nervous, but the first nun steps up.

    “Who was the first man created?” St. Peter asks.

    “Easy, that was Adam,” the nun replies gleefully.

    The gates open, music starts playing, and in she goes.

    “Next,” says St. Peter, turning to the second nun, “who was the first woman created?”

    “Eve, of course!” she replies.

    The gates open, music starts playing, and she enters.

    St. Peter then looks at the third nun and asks, “And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

    The third nun looks puzzled, but she’s determined to get into Heaven. She thinks and thinks, then finally mutters under her breath, “Boy… that’s a hard one.”

    And the gates open, the music starts playing, and she walks into Heaven.

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