I scream a lot during sex. It really bothers my husband, though, because I scream things like, “I really hate this wallpaper!!”
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman.
Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman. But that’s just because I lost a bet at sorority party and had to eat a Barbie doll.
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International soccer needs some new marketing folks.
International soccer needs some new marketing folks. I’d have become a World Cup fan a decade or two earlier if I’d known about the drinking.
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Ask not what your country can do for you.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask who knew that we were the first country to elect a president fluent in Yoda-speak.
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My girlfriend and are into leaving notes for each other to find around the house.
My girlfriend and are into leaving notes for each other to find around the house. You know, the typical mushy stuff like “Honey, I love you!” “I can’t wait to see you tonight!” and “Flush the meth — the cops are outside the front door!”
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I don’t like to toot my own horn, but there was no avoiding it when the late-shift crew
I don’t like to toot my own horn, but there was no avoiding it when the late-shift crew at the Johannesburg Taco Bell shoved my vuvuzela up my drunk ass.
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Why don’t the voices in my head ever tell me to do something productive, like put knife
Why don’t the voices in my head ever tell me to do something productive, like put knife down, release the hostages, and get an MBA?
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Of course there’s a reason to beat a dead horse.
Of course there’s a reason to beat a dead horse. It shows all the other horses that you mean business.
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After my accident, the doctors told me I shouldn’t be alive.
After my accident, the doctors told me I shouldn’t be alive. It wasn’t a medical opinion, though — they were expressing a deeply held personal belief.
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Men are not as shallow as we’re sometimes made out to be.
Men are not as shallow as we’re sometimes made out to be. If you give a man a choice between saving the universe and getting laid, he will inevitably choose saving the universe, after only a second or two of indecision.
