Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Moo Moo Buckaroo

    Bruce, a strapping hunk of a man, walks into a redneck bar. He walks over to the bartender and says, “Hey there, good looking, I’ll have a glass of white wine.”

    A bit shocked, the bartender replies, “What are you, a homo or something?”

    Bruce, unruffled, says, “Actually I prefer the term ‘gay’. And yes I am gay.”

    “Look,” the bartender said, “This bar is full of redneck cowboys. They hate gays. If you stay there will be trouble.”

    Bruce answers, “I won’t bother anyone.”

    Bartender says, “Ok, but sit over there in the corner and don’t say a word.”

    After a while, a large, grizzly man thunders in and proclaims, “I’m so damn thirsty I could lick the sweat from the balls of a Brahma Bull!”

    A small voice rings out from the corner of the bar, “MOO, MOO, BUCKAROO!”

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  • It Is Your Cow

    Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows.

    He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.”

    “Well then, why don’t you?” Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

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  • At Least He Let Go of Ol Zeek

    Here in Kentucky, you don’t see too many people hang-gliding. Ol’ Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge–into the wind he goes!

    Meanwhile, Maw & Paw Hicks were sittin’ on the porch swing talkin’ bout the good ol’ days when Maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

    “Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaims.

    Paw raises up, “Git my gun, Maw.”

    She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun.

    He takes careful aim. BANG…BANG…..BANG…..BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

    “I think ya missed him, Paw,” she says.

    “Yeah,” he replies, “but at least he let go of ol’ Zeek!”

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  • Posterchild for Posterchildren

    I’m glad that there isn’t a disease where children are born with thin paper bodies. Although I guess it might be fun to be the posterchild for posterchildren.

  • OJ Simpson Wanted to Move to West Virginia

    Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?

    Everyone has the same DNA.

  • Shaking Like a Crack Whore

    Sometimes at the office, my co-worker tells me I drink too much coffee and makes fun of me by saying I’m “shaking like a crack whore.” Good thing she doesn’t know what I do in my off-hours.

  • Mine Does

    Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Anne get drunk in a bar and end up shagging a couple of rednecks in the car park.

    Halfway through, Sister Anne repents and shouts, “Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he does,” to which Sister Mary replies, “Mine does”.

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  • Whats That Noise

    A Mid-Westerner walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Mid-Westerner is suitably impressed, and buys it.

    The next day he brings it back and says, “This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!”

    The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the Mid-Westerner says, “What’s that noise?”

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  • The Border Where They Combine

    They say the atmosphere is 78 percent nitrogen and 22 percent oxygen. And when I become world-renowned for being the first person to discover the border where they combine, I’ll just sit back and laugh my ass off.

  • Advice for Yankees Moving South

    Advice for Yankees Moving South

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

    9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

    10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

    11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    12. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

    13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

    14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

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