Tone: witty

I’d love to go back in time and show my younger self these nifty iPods, laptops and smart phones. Not so the younger me could invest and make a ton of money, but because such a thing would totally freak out that nerdy dweeb.

Mauve isn’t a color in the National Terrorism Advisory System — mauve is terror itself.

I was visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They were family members I hate, and technically they were all still alive — I just find it comforting to imagine them as already deceased.

To save money, our town council subcontracted police services to circus clowns. The good news is that when they go on patrol, they can get like 20 cops in a car. The bad: Their pepper spray canisters shoot silly string.

If I ever start an online-dating service, I’ll call it StrangerDanger — not just because it sounds edgy and daring, but then if someone hooks up with a psychopath, they can’t say they weren’t warned.

Never place a romantic interest above an intelligent friend — unless the three of you are comfortable in that position.

After the fuss at the airport security checkpoint had died down, it occurred to me that it might have been better to tell the TSA agent that the carry-on item she was questioning me about was an inflatable pillow, not a pillow that would blow up.

This Lenten season I’ve given up waiting so long to bail on my New Year’s Resolutions.

I really do like my new smart phone, but for the record, Google’s idea of a sexy new android device is a whole lot different from mine.