Tone: witty

The proverb “Good fences make good neighbors” began to make perfect sense when I went to my neighbor Frank’s pawn shop to try to get some quick cash for that jewelry I stole.

When you’re saving for retirement, it’s important to diversify. Example: I have 33% of my savings in stocks, 33% in bonds and 34% in Chuck E. Cheese game tokens. I plan on whacking a ton of moles and playing a buttload of skee ball in my golden years.

I’m happy to report that while the steaks at my neighborhood bistro are indeed hormone-free, the waitresses are decidedly not.

How about a compromise: Everybody leave the toilet seat at 45 degrees.

I was invited to join a flash mob recently at a local mall. I guess I misunderstood the entire concept, but I’m just grateful they never asked me to take off my trench coat.

For a while I thought I was bisexual, but only because I tend to get “bi” and “semi” mixed up.

I’d like to teach the world to sing. Then maybe we can avoid those atrocious first few weeks of “American Idol.”

The problem with having a crush on a fortune teller is you never get a first chance to make a first impression.