I went to a christening and now everyone is mad at me. In my defense, it was the first one I ever attended, and I never would’ve thought it would take me that many swings to break a champagne bottle over an infant’s head.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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As I rasped sweet nothings in her ear, her disdainful look told me she was not going to
As I rasped sweet nothings in her ear, her disdainful look told me she was not going to fall for the hoarse whisperer.
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Once when I was a kid, I almost choked to death on a sticky-pop.
Once when I was a kid, I almost choked to death on a sticky-pop. Fortunately, my grandfather had the good sense to tell me to stop lollygagging.
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The problem with having Facebook friends who run a goat farm is they’re always posting
The problem with having Facebook friends who run a goat farm is they’re always posting pictures of their kids.
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I really thought I was finally over my crying-over-spilt-milk stage.
I really thought I was finally over my crying-over-spilt-milk stage. That is, until I dropped my toothpaste and was crestfallen.
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Anything unrelated to pachyderms is irrelephant.
Anything unrelated to pachyderms is irrelephant.
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Consumer tip: Don’t waste your money on a futon.
Consumer tip: Don’t waste your money on a futon. *Any* sofa can be turned into a bed if you have a chainsaw, some wood screws and twenty feet of bailing wire.
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Vomit is simply nature’s way of allowing children who are too young to speak to let you
Vomit is simply nature’s way of allowing children who are too young to speak to let you know they don’t like the carpeting.
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In stand-up comedy, there exist only two time frames: the present and “the other day,”
In stand-up comedy, there exist only two time frames: the present and “the other day,” when everything always happens.
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It seems everybody in my town calls me “the stranger.”
It seems everybody in my town calls me “the stranger.” I’ll bet they wouldn’t say that if they knew me better.
