I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I Knew Where He Lived
I scared the mailman yesterday by going to the door completely naked…
I’m not sure what freaked him out more… my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
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I Can Tell By the Voice
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled…
“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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Is That All You People Think About
Two elderly Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $50.”
Murray stops and stares at the sign. Abe turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”
“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”
Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”
Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”
With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Abe, “did you convert?”
“Yes I did,” says Murray.
“Did you get your fifty dollars?” asks Abe.
And Murray says, “Is that all you people think about?”
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Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.
14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.
13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.
12. Do not use if already semen-filled.
11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.
10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.
9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.
8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.
7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.
6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.
5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.
4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.
3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.
2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.
1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Yeehaw or Heeyaw
I need to know something: Is it “Yeehaw” or “Heeyaw”? I’m riding in my first rodeo and don’t want to sound like a total idiot.
