Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

I may be over-reacting to this whole Anthrax thing, but this morning, my donuts were

I may be over-reacting to this whole Anthrax thing, but this morning, my donuts were covered with a suspicious white powder.
I wonder if Jim Croce’s widow occasionally loses it when she can’t find the rosemary

I wonder if Jim Croce’s widow occasionally loses it when she can’t find the rosemary among all those frickin’ bottles of thyme.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met my buddy with some exceptionally strong weed.

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met my buddy with some exceptionally strong weed. After doing bong hits for an hour, I couldn’t remember what the hell I was crying about in the first place. Still can’t find my damn shoes, though.
If life gives you lemons, make a delicious lemonade.

If life gives you lemons, make a delicious lemonade. If life gives you a tennis bracelet, though, you know life is trying to make up for hitting on your co-workers at the office party.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach him to fish instead of hooking him with the first of 14 volumes of your DVD series “How to Catch Fi$h and Make Millions!!” and you just gave away a nice revenue stream, Dinkwad.
I love checking into a hotel and there waiting in the room for me is a well-stocked

I love checking into a hotel and there waiting in the room for me is a well-stocked supply of tissues and a fresh, unopened bottle of hand lotion. It’s like they *know* me!
It doesn’t take many times shooting the last seated one in the leg before your family

It doesn’t take many times shooting the last seated one in the leg before your family gets pretty good at clearing the after-dinner dishes.
Is the question “Is the glass half empty or half full?”

Is the question “Is the glass half empty or half full?” semi-intelligent or semi-idiotic?
People tell me I should work on my similes; I think I simply need to refine things like

People tell me I should work on my similes; I think I simply need to refine things like someone who refines stuff a lot.
Ladies, the reality is that if the guy laying next to you asks if you want to “spoon,”

Ladies, the reality is that if the guy laying next to you asks if you want to “spoon,” he really just wants to “fork.”