After I won the lottery, my family and friends told me they’re worried I might not be mature enough to handle all that money wisely and end up just blowing it on something stupid. That’s total nonsense. Besides, what do I care what they think? I’m lighting my farts with hundred-dollar bills!
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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You know you need to get out of the house when you start to refer to yourself as a
You know you need to get out of the house when you start to refer to yourself as a “diaper-half-full” kind of guy.
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Johnny Depp advised me to always namedrop, even if I have to lie about knowing the person.
Johnny Depp advised me to always namedrop, even if I have to lie about knowing the person.
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I awoke and saw a host of winged angels before me.
I awoke and saw a host of winged angels before me. At first I was afraid and thought, “Is this is the end?” But I wanted to go with them, for they were truly beautiful to behold. And then I realized I’d fallen asleep with the TV on and had woken up during a Victoria’s Secret commercial.
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Sometimes I need to remind myself that I’m not 18 anymore.
Sometimes I need to remind myself that I’m not 18 anymore. And other times, the paramedics do it for me.
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My favorite part of high school graduation parties is telling the young person that I
My favorite part of high school graduation parties is telling the young person that I hid a $100 bill somewhere in the cake, then watching him destroy his own celebration only to learn I was lying. Kids nowadays need to learn these harsh lessons early.
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When my kid does something wrong, I ground him.
When my kid does something wrong, I ground him. But the real punishment comes when I connect him to the positive and negative wires.
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The problem I have with returning home from five days at an industry trade show is that
The problem I have with returning home from five days at an industry trade show is that I now have to re-adjust to helping my wife clean re-liquidated nutrition delivery systems and change infant waste-product receptacle solutions.
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Growing up, I had great difficulty concentrating on saying the alphabet.
Growing up, I had great difficulty concentrating on saying the alphabet. After special classes and several doctor visits, I was diagnosed with ABCDADHD.
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I don’t mind that the lady was breast feeding her kid in the middle of the airport.
I don’t mind that the lady was breast feeding her kid in the middle of the airport. I don’t even mind that the kid was way too old to still be breast fed. What set me off was her letting the airline employees watch, then them upgrading her to first class.
