Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    The Top 16 Signs Your Penis is a Finger

    16. “But officer, she asked for directions!”

    15. You’re the only guy at your gym who’s got a French manicure between his legs.

    14. Your wedding ring keeps falling off in the shower.

    13. Restraining order keeps you out of Yellow Pages offices nationwide.

    12. “Not tonight, baby — I’ve got a hangnail.”

    11. Madge calls the cops when she discovers you soaking in the Palmolive.

    10. Your rabbi is also your manicurist.

    9. A few words into your “I did not have sexual relations” finger-wagging speech, Helen Thomas faints dead away.

    8. Getting to third base is now a ground-rule home run.

    7. You now get arrested for giving someone the finger — even in New York City.

    6. Millions of pianists in the world, but there are chords that only *you* can play.

    5. Aunt Norma won’t let you play “Chopsticks” at the family reunion anymore.

    4. You sprout wood every time someone cuts you off in traffic.

    3. Even Fox has to go to commercial when you throw your knuckleball.

    2. Your nose-picking habit is cured — and your belly button is squeaky clean!

    1. “With this ring I thee– HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia

    The Top 14 Movies About Necrophilia

    14. Driving Miss Pushing Up Daisies
    13. Some Like It Cold
    12. Peggy Sue Got Buried
    11. People to Do in Denver Who are Dead
    10. Sex, Flies and Videotape
    9. Lifeless in Seattle
    8. The Right Stiff
    7. Dr. Jekyll and Miss Formaldehyde
    6. How Stella Got Her Grave Back
    5. Four Beddings at a Funeral
    4. The Corpse Whisperer
    3. CASketball
    2. Waiting to Exhume
    1. Blue Vulva

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  • Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses

    16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”

    15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”

    14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”

    13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”

    12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”

    11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”

    10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”

    9. “I have early-onset onanism.”

    8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”

    7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”

    6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”

    5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”

    4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”

    3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”

    2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”

    1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 16 Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex

    The Top 16 Worst Movie Quotes to Utter During Sex

    16. “Fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy night!”

    15. “All I wanna do is go the distance.”

    14. “I know what you’re thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kinda lost track myself.”

    13. “It’s not a tumor!”

    12. “I feel the need… the need for speed.”

    11. “It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. It does this whenever it’s told.”

    10. “My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!”

    9. “Say ‘hello’ to my little friend.”

    8. “At that speed, will you be able to pull out in time?”

    7. “We’re gonna need some more FBI guys, I guess.”

    6. “I can’t hold ‘er anymore, Cap’n!”

    5. “And I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”

    4. “I call him ‘Mini-Me.’”

    3. “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious.”

    2. “Look, man, I ain’t fallin’ for no banana in my tailpipe!”

    1. “That’ll do, pig.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 14 Dream Wrestling Matches

    The Top 14 Dream Wrestling Matches

    14. Michael “The Glove” Jackson -vs- George “The Hand” Michael

    13. Bob “Hacksaw” Villa -vs- Martha “Doily Queen” Stewart

    12. “The First Lady” -vs- “The Most Recent Lady”

    11. Edward Scissorhands -vs- John Bobbit

    10. Carrot Top -vs- Bugs Bunny

    9. Drescher -vs- Gottfried — in a Zero-Contact Whine-a-thon Death Cage Match!

    8. Arnold Schwarzenegger -vs- The English Language

    7. Pat “Captain Vanilla” Sajak -vs- Alex “Oh, I’m Sorry” Trebek

    6. Bill “The Adulterer” Clinton -vs- Bill “The Atoner” Clinton

    5. Monica “Hummer” Lewinsky -vs- Orrin “We Still Call it Sodomy in This State” Hatch

    4. The Norelco Santa -vs- The Mach3 Studmuffin

    3. Vanilla Ice -vs- The Crips

    2. Ron “McBigfoot” McDonald -vs- Colonel “Open A Can o’ Whup-Ass” Sanders

    1. The predominately female and nearly naked “Baywatch” cast -vs- The predominately male and socially awkward Top5 contributors

    [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 14 Adult Film Star Nicknames

    The Top 14 Adult Film Star Nicknames

    14. Jack Titanic
    13. Willy Wanka
    12. Delores Galores
    11. Randy “The Groin from Des Moines” Mann
    10. Analstasia
    9. Nattily Wood
    8. Chuck “Big Gun” Heston
    7. Rosie Buttrash
    6. me me cummings
    5. Gonore’ de Balsac
    4. Jock Full O’Nuts
    3. Monty Fuller
    2. Jennifer Love T’Dewitt
    1. Stiffen King

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  • Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line

    The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line

    13. New “Victor’s Secret” line

    12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.

    11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.

    10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!

    9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.

    8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.

    7. Every wear you look — corduroy!

    6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.

    5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.

    4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.

    3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.

    2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.

    1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 17 Safe Porn Movies

    The Top 17 Safe Porn Movies (R-rated)

    17. Cold Shower Mountain

    16. The Abstinent-Minded Professor

    15. The Silence of the Loins

    14. Mickey Blue Balls

    13. Boys on the Side of Caution

    12. Full Metal Chastity Belt

    11. Harry Potter and the Extremely Dog-Eared Issue of Swank

    10. The Longest Yawn

    9. Emmanuelle Goes Pennsylvania Dutch

    8. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice… Have a Lovely Game of Bridge

    7. Bone Alone

    6. Fakin’ 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo

    5. Debbie Does Bupkis

    4. Papa’s Celibate Condition

    3. White Men Can’t Hump

    2. Girl on Girl, Interrupted

    1. All Quiet on the Wankin’ Front

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Dont Complain About My Cooking

    A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”

    His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

    Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”

    His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”

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  • The Taxi Driver

    A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”

    The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

    “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

    “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

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