My dad once told me, “The only one who can beat you is yourself.” As I stand chained in this Turkish prison, I’m thinking Dad might’ve been a tad wrong on this one.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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There was a guy in traffic beside me jerking off like crazy.
There was a guy in traffic beside me jerking off like crazy. I yelled out the window to him to at least have the decency to get back into his car.
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My last employment review singled me out as a “glass-half-empty” guy, so I’ve worked
My last employment review singled me out as a “glass-half-empty” guy, so I’ve worked hard to change that. Now, when I see a shared casserole in the break room with a hair sticking out of it, I say, “Hey, free floss!”
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It turns out you can lead a horse to water *and* make it drink, but you have to load it
It turns out you can lead a horse to water *and* make it drink, but you have to load it up with really salty popcorn for an hour or two before.
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My dad is fond of writing on containers of “his” leftovers, “Do not TOUCH or EAT, under
My dad is fond of writing on containers of “his” leftovers, “Do not TOUCH or EAT, under penalty of DEATH or DISMEMBERMENT, and not necessarily IN THAT ORDER!!!” I find that deliciously ironic when we’ve ordered a bucket of fried chicken.
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I really mean it when I say I just want my wife to be happy.
I really mean it when I say I just want my wife to be happy. Of course, if I could be happy, too, that would be good. And if we could both be happy at the same time, maybe involving whipped cream and some edible underwear, that would be even better.
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With the daily barrage of depressing stories about poverty, genocide, fear and hate,
With the daily barrage of depressing stories about poverty, genocide, fear and hate, it’s sometimes a struggle to even want to get out of bed. Then you open a bag of Skittles to find a couple defective pieces morphed together, looking like two perfect purple boobies. Best. Day. EVER!
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We need to stop calling Wednesday “Hump Day.”
We need to stop calling Wednesday “Hump Day.” Anyone with children knows the real humping doesn’t happen on school nights.
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When choosing between two evils, be advised: If you use the “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”
When choosing between two evils, be advised: If you use the “eenie-meenie-minie-mo” method, you’ll always end up with the second one.
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I agree with Theodore Roosevelt, who said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”
I agree with Theodore Roosevelt, who said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” In my opinion, for a person making fun of someone with laryngitis, nothing will better convey “Hey, back off or I’ll take out your eye — WITH THIS STICK!”
