As I watched my two-year-old drag his naked bottom across the carpet, I realized that perhaps I overestimated the transferability of the toilet-training skills I had initially honed with our puppies.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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LMFAO Discography
lol i’d never checked out LMFAO’s full discography before
Party Rock (2009)
Sorry for Party Rocking (2011)
We Were Going Through Some Stuff (2012)
Mistakes Were Made (2014)
We Are Always Growing and Learning (2015)
We Will Strive To Do Better In Future (2017)
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Belichick Dog Draft
Some people teach their dogs to fetch and sit.
Bill Belichick teaches his dog to draft defensive backs from obscure Division II schools in the second round.
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When Hunger Beats Romance Every Single Time
I was just visiting some friends who have a real working farm. I was watching this one rooster chasing after this hen, when the friend’s wife came out to feed them.
The rooster stopped chasing the hen at once and ran over to begin eating. I stood there thinking to myself, “Damn ! I hope I never get that hungry.”
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Dirty Riddles and Cheeky One-Liners
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
“How come?”What’s the definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment for enjoying sex.Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They’ll never see you coming.What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M;&M.;What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
They both capture that special moment.Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!What’s the ultimate in rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
There’d be too many thank you notes to write.What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. -
Pig Latin Poet
One of the perks of being a Pig Latin poet is that it’s pretty easy to come up with rhymes.
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Condom Saves the Day
“First,” said the playboy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”
“Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.
“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the guy.
“Oh yes you are!” said the girl
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Ohio Owes Buddy Holly an Apology
If Ohio is the birthplace of both aviation and rock and roll, I’d say they owe that Buddy Holly fella an apology.
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Location-Based Orgasms: A Punny Guide
Situations you may find yourself in, and the orgasms you may encounter…
Sex in a boat – oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd – dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house – door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum – floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket – store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie – horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute – whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant – bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping – snore-gasms.
Sex with ‘Arthur’ – Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys – Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke – poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion – roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end – sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course – fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac (or Ritzi) – more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine – ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist – pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician – Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers – s’more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter – toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword – zorro-gasms.
Sex on the beach – shore-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet – smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck – shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in asia – Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature – outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can – odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train – ‘All Aboard’-gasms.
Sex that wasn’t very satisfying – ‘There’s the door’-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater – hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who’s not paying attention – ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner – score-gasms.
Sex while flying – soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner – adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater – carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who’s got a really bad hairdo – pompadore-gasms.
Sex with someone who’s got bad taste in clothes – velour-gasms.
Sex while travelling – tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog – labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead – ‘GonnaScore’-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall – escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends – four-gasms.
Sex with a norse God – Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile – Borg-gasms.
