Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • I’ve Invented a New Game Called Silent Tennis

    I’ve invented a new game called Silent Tennis.

    It’s like regular tennis, but without the racquet.

  • They Say That During Sex You Burn Off Calories

    They say that during sex, you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

    Who the hell runs eight miles in one minute?

  • I Wrote a Book on How to Fall Down the Stairs

    I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

    It’s a step-by-step guide.

  • My Friend Is Making a Documentary Series

    My friend is making a documentary series on how to fly an airplane.

    He’s currently filming the pilot.

  • Green Is My Favorite Color

    Green is my favorite color.

    I love it more than blue and yellow combined.

  • Iced Tea With Two Ladies

    Two southern ladies were sipping iced teas on a warm afternoon.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
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    The first one wiggled her wrist and bragged, “See this tennis bracelet? My husband gave it to me just because.”

    The second lady nodded and politely said, “Bless your heart.”

    The first one then twirled her pearl necklace with her finger and said, “My husband gave me this for my birthday. Don’t you just love the luster?”

    The second lady said, louder this time, “Bless your heart.”

    The first one then said, “See this two-carat diamond ring?” Waving her hand in front of the second lady’s nose, she added, “My husband replaced my wedding ring with it because he is now so well off!”

    The second lady exclaimed, “OH, BLESS YOUR HEART!”

    The first lady then smugly said, “No offense, but what did your husband get you?”

    The second lady replied, “He paid for me to go to charms school.”

    “Oh dear, so what have you learned?” inquired the first lady condescendingly.

    The second lady said, “We learned to say ‘bless your heart’ instead of ‘F*uck you!’”

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  • My Buddy Builds Tunnels for a Living

    My buddy builds tunnels for a living.

    Personally, I think it sounds like a boring job, but he totally digs it.

  • My Friend Had to Quit His Job Helping Foreign Tourists

    My friend had to quit his job helping foreign tourists find a place to sleep while they were traveling.

    It was a hostel work environment.

  • Why Bill Clinton Stopped Playing the Saxophone

    Why did Bill Clinton stop playing the saxophone?

    To take up more time playing that harmonica.

  • Rolling Down Hills in Tires

    I had a great childhood. One of my favorite things was to roll down hills in tires.

    Those were the Goodyears.